New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[sandi2]

Honestly, I don't want to even talk about it, I just want to be done with her for a while. How do I do that if she refuses to leave the home? I've told her I will not accept an in-house separation, but I still don't want to leave my home. Is it acceptable to just tell her "I've said it before and I mean it still- I will not share you with him, and I will not share my bed with you while he is part of your life". ?

But you are sharing her with him! You are sharing your bed with her while he is part of her life! For a guy who doesn't want to talk about it and just be done with her for a while........you sure are thinking of a lot of stuff to say.

You can't reason with crazy, and you can't talk her into being a good wife. She's not your best friend, and you can't trust her. She is seeing the MC so that she can claim she tried everything, "even counseling" and nothing helped to save the M. So, stop attending counseling sessions with her. She is very wayward and she's nowhere close to being ready for MC.

As for the OM's wife, he has told her nothing but lies. She still thinks that because he "confessed" and then told their daughter and their parents about the affair, that he has put this mistake behind him and is working on their marriage.

Some betrayed spouses are willing to accept whatever the cheater/liar tells them. She may not want you to tell her, b/c she doesn't want to deal with the truth.

I struggle with wanting to tell her that his confession is a bunch of lies. That whether you want to believe it or not, they are still talking and hiding it from us.

I'm not picking on you, but I am going to get a little harsh, b/c I see LBH's who practically say word for word what you stated above......even by starting their sentence with "I struggle with wanting to tell OM's W". So, here's the truth of your real struggles as I see it. You can't do anything with your WW to make her end things with OM, b/c she has had your b@lls for a long time. You want to tell OM's W b/c you are hoping she can do more with her wayward H than you can do with your wayward W. Maybe I'm wrong, but whenever I see this happen......I get the idea that the LBH is hoping someone else will do the dirty work for him. Then I see where you plan to reveal to the MC in session tonight, in front of your WW.......again, I think you are hoping someone else can be the bad guy, rather than yourself.

I'm not faulting you for trying to get help, Bern. I want you to understand that what you are currently doing is not working. By this point, you are going to need to be a lot stronger and tougher than when you first joined the board. You know why, right?

As I’ve said before, my intention was to fight to put this marriage back together. That divorce wasn't an option for us. That you all don't really know my wife, that she's different. She'll be able to continue to work with him and it will be OK. It became crystal clear that it doesn't work that way right before Christmas. So, I need to make a fundamental change in how we interact. While I thought I was doing good at GAL & detachment, I obviously need to up my game.

Up your game? You need to completely change the dynamics in this relationship. Take back your b@lls, and stop being a wuss. Who puts up with a W who is sleeping with the guy at work? Why would you think they could continue working together after having an A? And then I see where you actually said you wouldn't have a problem with her missing him as a friend, but you didn't want to share her with him in any way. What? That "friendship" excuse is a cr@p trap. Do you realize how crazy that sounds to be okay with her missing her AP, as long as it's like missing a friend? ((Bern)) They will never be able to be just friends. NEVER! Do not let her convince you that she thinks of him "only as a friend". That's a lie born out of the deceitfulness of a WW.

As long as you believe you can nice her back, or talk her back, or have someone else do the dirty work........you will lose her to OM or OM#2, 3, etc.

Get fed up and stop trying to keep someone who doesn't want to honor your love. Even after all she's done, you just want to be done with her for a little while? What would it take for YOU to be done with her forever? I'm just curious.

I'm going to share this with you, then I need to close for the night. When I was a wayward W, if my H had gotten fed up with me and decided he wasn't going to waste his life on a loveless, sexless MR with a WW who did not treat him better than I was treating him........and if he had enforced that decision with his actions.....it would have yanked me out of my waywardness so fast I would have had whiplash! In other words, I'm saying if he had dumped me.......was finished with ME.... ......of all things......he would have become the most attractive guy on the planet. And, he'd have to show the action, instead of explaining to me what he was doing and giving me details.

I hope you won't leave and stay gone another month without posting.

((hugs))