Currently, the main thing that bothers me is embarrassment and shame. I don't bring this up to XW, because that'd be unfair right now. She already feels embarrassment, shame, and guilt for what she did to me. What gets to me is knowing that she made a fool of me in front of the whole world. And in many ways, taking her back makes me feel like an even bigger fool! I know people are judging me right now, and it burns. They're my friends and family, and even though they are outwardly supportive I know that they don't really think I should be letting XW back. They tell me "I love you man, BUT......" and what can I say? They're right about almost all of it. And these are the people who stuck it out with me through all of my hardest days.
It's tough......very tough when other people know there has been an affair. People are going to talk about it, and usually, add their own flavor of opinion to the mix. If the recovering WW, if she has not truly repented and is reflecting a humble spirit or attitude......it will probably be very awkward and tense the first time or two she is around her in-laws or old friends who did not support her wayward actions. I don't know her personality, or how she normally interacts with others under stressful conditions.
It's difficult for your relatives, too. My adult son went through the same experience as you read on the board. His WW kept her A hidden and had OM waiting in the wing to step in and replace her H (my son), the minute the D papers were signed. She and OM chose a very public place to express their love for each other......and did so when they knew my son would be there to witness it. I mean, the ink was still wet on the divorce papers, and he had no clue there was another man in the picture. So, it was very painful, and he was so shocked, hurt, embarrassed and humiliated. He felt like everyone was looking at him, and thinking what a fool he was for not knowing his W had been cheating. After the OM didn't work out, she played a little game of "tease", and my son and the kids got their hopes up that there might be a reconciliation. However, she had OM#2 (or #3, #4.....who knows), and so there was no remarriage. He later told me that maybe it took that second time for him to let go.......but it was killing me, just watching from the sidelines all the suffering it caused.
When I was recovering from my own wayward walk, I struggled so hard to forgive myself. Since then, there has been 3 occasions that strongly brought back those feelings of such deep regret and shame. The worst time was when death took my mother and then my daughter, back to back. To mourn/grieve is normal......but this shame was worse than any I ever felt. I felt that I had turned out to be such a disappointment to them.....and those emotions were mixed in with my grief. They had done nothing to make me feel that way......it was just me. Maybe b/c all my family had respected me so highly, I grieved over the thoughts of them never able to see me the same after my EA.......and where were those type of thoughts when OM .and I first started talking? .
I lost two of the most important females in a woman's life......her mother and her daughter. Perhaps some who judged me thought I deserved to suffer whatever pain came my direction, however, my two loved ones did not deserve to be embarrassed and so utterly disappointed. It is hard to explain, and I'm not on some quest for sympathy. This isn't about me, and I'm sorry for rambling......so I'll try to wrap my story up by saying the third hardest time was seeing my son and his children go through the painful results that come from infidelity and all it represents. I know I was the WW, but I think I hear what you are saying when you describe your concerns. I hope you can keep things real with yourself it is essential to healing.......no matter which side of the street you have walked.
If anyone should question, doubt, and wonder if people will think they are a fool........I'd think it would be a divorced LBH who is being encouraged by the XW (the former cheater), to get back together. I'm not going to tell you to ignore what your immediate family members and closest friends might be trying to tell you. You have not healed from the first time around with her, and I'm sure those who love you are quite concerned you are at risk for a second time around. It's not a bad idea to think on the warning of a mature minded person who is not looking to cause trouble and who has your best interest at heart. Discuss with the IC your concerns of feeling the "burn", as you called it. It is a valid concern, and I have seen this "feeling like a fool" become a bigger issue for men, more than for women. I'm inclined to believe it is b/c of the differences in the two genders and how our men were raised......etc., etc. That's just my thoughts.
While talking about the possibility of feeling like a fool, let me just say that if the couple desires to reconcile, then there can be no room for stubborn pride from either of them. I'm not talking about having self respect, dignity, or the kind of pride you might have for your country or whatever. I'm talking about that old stubborn self pride that builds walls and puts distance in relationships. As a recovering WW, I had to fight stubborn pride in the beginning of my turn around, before I had my "come to Jesus" moment. You see your XW become defensive sometimes, right? A lot of people would judge that to mean it's b/c she feels guilty. Well, what if that defensiveness is coming from her stubborn pride? Maybe it's the same thing, but for me......I didn't feel guilty, before my "come to Jesus" moment. I had stubborn pride, and that kind of pride is rotten. It holds us back, and prevents growth. As the LBH, you don't want to be seen as a big fool, so you will have to be extremely honest with yourself in those moments of feeling the burn and determine if it's your pride that has been hurt (and surely it has, else you wouldn't feel the burn of the rub), or if you are overly concerned about how others see you......or is there another reason. Both of you will probably struggle with your own stubborn pride getting in the way of progress.
IMO, it would be less judgmental in the eyes of others, if the couple was not divorced and was trying to save their M. Some people will wonder why you would get out of it, only to return......but does it bother you b/c you wonder the same thing? It's one of those things you, as the LBS, would need to decide which end has the strongest pull on you. As for as the WW, it not only takes guts to face in-laws, relatives, former friends of the M, and just nosy people in general........but it requires a lot of grace and poise.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's one of those things you, as the LBS, would need to decide which end has the strongest pull on you. As for as the WW, it not only takes guts to face in-laws, relatives, former friends of the M, and just nosy people in general........but it requires a lot of grace and poise.
