Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[SteveLW]

Mikeyb, saw your thread the other day but didn't get a chance to read through the whole thing. I think you are reacting too much to her, and not acting from a place of knowledge. Let give you an example:

You go into detail about your bad behavior. You find out she is looking into D, you confront, she BDs you with the ILYBIAMNILWY, and you immediately change.

When WAWs get to the point where they are considering D, and they ILYBIAMNILWY bomb you, this didn't happen over night. The WAW goes on that journey over a long period of time. In fact, usually it takes about a year for the WAW to give up on the marriage. And another year before they BD their LBH. You may have shortcut that a bit by being the one to find out about her desire to D and initiating BD, but the point is that she has been headed that direction for at least a year, if NOT 2 years!

The flakiness you are seeing is very consistent with most WAWs here. During that 1-2 years they are very susceptible to OM. It very well could be she has one, either as an EA and/or a PA. I would do some recon to try and find out because if she is in an active PA that jeopardizes your health! You need to know. I would stop all sexual activity until you are sure she is not in a PA.

You have already gotten some good advice otherwise. Detach. It sounds like you are doing fairly well here. When a WAW starts asking "what's wrong" then they have noticed that you are giving the space they have asked for. That is not a bad thing. Loving detachment WILL be noticed. And staying friendly, upbeat, and present, like it sounds like you are, is the key. But not allowing her emotions, actions and words to have an emotional impact on you will get her attention.

GAL. Do not skimp on this. Get into IC. When she asks about it: "I realize that some of the underlying issues that caused me to behave the way I did need to be addressed professionally." Rarely will a WAW, that is still on the fence, react negatively to their LBH trying to improve himself. Take up new things, rekindle old friendships (with other guys!), be busy!

And keep up the 180s. You know what got you here, you did a good job detailing it. Make sure you do not let your guard down on the 180s. One slip back to the old MIkey can undo weeks and months of hard work.

One thing I am noticing is a tendency on your part to rationalize your mistakes. 180 on that. Own your mistakes. You screwed up and got your truck repo'd. You can claim temporary insanity or whatever defense you alluded to above. DON'T DO THAT. OWN IT. You screwed up. Be stand up about it. You admit trying to hide it from her. Look at every great fall in history, rarely was it the first mistake that brought the individual down. It was the cover up. Look at David and Bathsheeba. David's sin with Bathsheeba was adultery. She got pregnant. He then murdered Uriah, her husband, to try to cover it up (after trying to use Uriah to cover it up himself). OWN YOUR MISTAKES. Don't excuse them or try to minimize them by explaining them away.

We all get to choose. None of our choices are out of our control. Own your choices, good or bad.