Quote: I agree that coming here helps with the frustration. I wonder what it is that helps with the frustration?
Jonathan
I suspect it has a lot to do with getting secondary love tanks filled, words of appreciation, validation, quality conversation, and of course empathy, shared pain is halved, knowing that others struggle with similar problems, knowing that you are NOT alone, having other people on your team rooting for you and your marriage.
Ways I get touch needs met non sexually. I snuggle/hug my children, mess with their hair, have them mess with my hair, massages, pedicures, manicures, hug my friends, hold hands with my H when we go anywhere, hold a child's hand. If I were a pet person and my H weren't alergic I'd have a cat to pet. As is, this summer I'm going to volenteer at an animal shelter with my teen age son, in hope that it will help meet some of his touch needs.
I pray for strength, and for God's guidance to help me do the right thing, and (lately) for patience, and to show me the things I can change in myself, and I thank Him for my husband. And, yes, sometimes I beg him to give H some horniness!
- Heavyheart (who was raised as an atheist, and still chuckles to herself sometimes that she is talking about praying)
You just reminded me of something that John Eldridge said in his book: Waking the Dead. He pointed out the Christianity is meant to be practiced in small groups. Not huge churches or by yourself. If you're in a large church you need to build a small core of people where you can grow with each other and watch each other's backs.
This, of course, is much easier said than done. But thinking more about it, what if I put as much energy into building such a group as I do trying to piece my marriage back together (if it ever really WERE together.)
In my own church, I have been telling people that the Bible emphasizes fellowship, Koinonia, and those of us who have no fellowship in the church need to repent. In America, 70% of men have no close friends, and men in our churches just plain need to repent of that and build close relationships in the church.
For married folk, our marriages are the single most important source of fellowship, but no person can bear the weight of being my only close relationship.
Jonathan - who has no strong opinions on any subject
I don't know if it's just a New England thing, but we have contra dancing around here. It's got a lot of the same moves as square dancing so if you know one the other should be easy to pick up.
Lots of contact and if you attend you may even see some New Englanders touch each other!!!
I've gone one step further and taken up Tango. After a while, my two left feet are starting to work well enough.
And it's not just a New England thing. I have done contradancing and English Country Dancing in Michigan, Kentucky, California, North Carolina, and three different places in Germany. It's wonderful!
Outside of New England, people take hands on a lot of moves that are done without contact in New England. Contradance not only involves lots of touching, it involves lots of smiling, which is always a good thing.
I now play flute and pennywhistle for an English Country Dance Band, which unfortunately means I'm not on the floor touching and smiling, but it's still a lot of fun.
I have been looking for something to replace the cold showers. The dancing thing might work good, especially if I can get a babysitter because my wife used to square dance years before we started dating.
English is more elegant, Contradance is more energetic and easier. Either one is a friendly, non-threatening activity for a LD spouse. Both kinds of groups are very open to beginners.
