Keeping the faith ... finding me (Part III)

[FlySolo]

FSolo, your grief sounds human...not pathological. Especially after a 16 year partnership.

Own your grief and your feelings; you’ll be better off for it in the long run.

I have a transglobal set of friends who patiently listen to my pain on my bad days; I owe them so, so much.

Paco - thank you. Rationally, I know grief takes however long it takes to subside. It works on its own timeline and i just need to ride the waves. But, reading some of the threads here makes me wonder what is holding me back. I read about others moving on and I feel a tiny sharp pain in my heart. I want to move on desperately, I want to be open to a new relationship, and I know the only thing holding me back is me ... but I can't do it. I simply cannot let go. Yesterday was a bad day. It was a day of self reflection and sadness (D12, them going on holidays without me, work being crazy) and today is a new day. I am thankful that I am who I am - confident, smart, intelligent and kind - I am grateful for what I have (a beautiful home, two gorgeous children, a H who is not a b****d, a job that is fulfilling) and I too am grateful for the 'transglobal' group of friends I have made who will listen patiently whilst I wallow in self pity and a sadness of my own making. Today I am working on accepting I am unable to let go (for now) and just ride those waves.

Anyway, P, thank you again. To others, I hope reading the small words of comfort I offer you provides as much comfort as I have received in reading your words. This site has been an oasis for me.

Bubba - I was crying when I wrote that line.

The more you fight it and try to figure it out, the more energy you waste on it. As you said, embrace it, let it flow. Like meditation. Your outter image of yourself senses these things, but deep down you'll know. Maybe it's not full blown grief, but there are tinges of pain. This is okay. I don't think this works in black and white or hot and cold. We want to bring it to bearable. When emotions are bearable, we can thrive.

I guess this is what I mean by riding the waves. Though you put it so much better. This is my intention for today and all the days until it becomes a reality.

when I talk about my W I don't mean to put her down or say she is a bad mother. And when I commented about the yelling, I was not trying to link any semblance there. I hope I didn't come across a certain way about that and if I did, I apologize. As parents, raising voices, yelling, and sometimes having to spank, ground, and all the hard stuff, It comes with the territory. I've also been the disciplinarian when it came to the tough love with the boys, wonder how that will play out too...

I did not take your comments as judging and your suggestions were sound ones. I have implemented some. I have been too focused on 'fixing' D12 I forgot to really listen to her. I say this is because whenever the meltdowns happen we are rushed so the situation is already fraught, but there are things I could do to mitigate the meltdowns before they happen. This was the mistake I made with my H - I wanted to 'fix' us but didn't realise we needed to step away from the 'tension' first. I need to make being organised a 'pact' between us so she feels some responsibility and she learns to 'own' her actions (or lack of them). Punishment and bribery (which was what we were doing) was not working.

We're humans on either side trying to deal with this in our own ways, your H and you, my W and I. I know with my W and I there is a genuine lack of communication. I've probably said it before but she is a runner and avoids conflict. She is not someone who would spend the time to try and talk it out. She would say there are too many words spoken. You have that bond with your D12 and you're aware of the situation, giving space. My S11 is at that stage and it's now hard for him to open up. I am afraid that between them two when there is an issue, she may not know how to handle it.

My H has a short fuse. He reacts quickly and is focused on apportioning blame before resolving what ever has gone wrong. Everything is a crises. Mountains out of molehills. Then, later, he would pretend like it never happened. When we first got together I could temper him. I could make him look at things from other peoples point of view. Towards the end I lost that power. I would watch him yell at the kids over nothing. Berating them for 20 minutes for not tidying their rooms or for being unable to find their phones. I could only look at him in silence - hoping my look of disapproval was enough. As aside, at BD, he said to me that sometimes I would look at him like I hated him. When he was done yelling at the kids, I would go and sit with them in their rooms. Silence. He has changed though. He knows about his short fuse (those were his words) and he tries to restrain himself. Your W will find a balance. She will falter, as we all do, but, even though she has been a pretty rubbish W, I sense she is a good person and a good mum.

My W tells me she still cares about me.

Of course she does. You cannot love someone for years, raise children together, sleep in the same bed and not care about them. She is trying to be nice because she cares about you. She thinks she is doing the right thing for her and she is trying to now minimise the damage of that choice on those she cares about. She cannot (for now) come back. Her mind will not let her. But, warped as it is, there is a sort of honour in it. She wants to do the right thing given that she cannot do the right thing.

Also I would not discount the benefits of drinking entirely, namely allowing for a good nights sleep when its one of them days. I do agree there are dangers when flirting with alcoholism as escapism.

I am a social drinker. Always have been. It's just I have been social A LOT lately. I have made an active decision to not socialise as much, and when I do, know and stick to my limits.

TBH... I think the reason you are still stuck is because the four of you spend so much time together. From what you write, it sounds as if things are not that different than before except you each have your own residence. I know you are trying to keep things as normal as possible for your girls but, at the same time, I think it is holding you back. Your H has not yet felt what it is like to lose you. He can still come and go as he pleases and even though you are DBing, I don’t think he is very worried at all that you are not a solid Plan B for him. He needs to be worried that he is losing you if he is ever going to think about R.

You are right. We are still very much attached. Day by day I let go a little more. I don't hang around when he is here (I make myself scarce) and I say no to many of the invites to 'family' things. I don't do this to get a reaction - it just feels natural not to go to everything. I chose when I will participate and when I won't. He wanted me to come round to his flat tonight to look at something the children had done and I said I had stomach cramps so will look at when the kids come home tomorrow. Sometimes he looks like he is waiting for me to say "I'll come too". But, he still looks at the house as his and me as his W (when it suits him). The house things for now I don't know what to do about. I on the other hand have become less available.

I rarely see my H. Probably in a week, I will see him about 10 minutes total. Recently, I have really cut down on my texts about the kids. Both of these things have REALLY helped me with detaching. Am I 100% there yet? I’d be an idiot if I said yes. But... I think I am at 85% at least and that has only been in the last couple weeks that I have gotten there and I think it is because I’ve gone as NC as possible.

This ^^^ and your other journal entries of late have been wonderful. I sense a real contentment in your words and I just want to reach across the screen and give you a great big hug.