New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Bern19]

Well it's been almost a month since my last post. I said I was going to wait a month to see how things looked and felt, and I can tell you it's still the same. Although my wife claims we are working on fixing our marriage and is going to IC and MC with me, I know that she is still communicating with the OM. I have stopped all my spying and snooping around as I just couldn't take listening to her lie to me about where she was or who she's with. I've been avoiding all relationship conversations, have been working on my detachment, GAL, and have also started reading NMMNG. Lots of stuff in there that hits home.

So, this morning, I'm lying in bed while she gets ready for work and I realize she got in the shower and left her smartwatch on her nightstand. Now she had been getting better about not taking her iPhone and watch with her everywhere, but I've noticed that lately she's had a pretty tight grip on her devices. I thought, what the hell, let’s see if she changed her password? Nope, still the same. So I see her messages are up, and one of them are from her work friend that recently divorced her husband and shacked up with another of their coworker almost immediately. In fact, one of the texts was about how her husband never had any proof of what they "had done" so she made out in the divorce. Guess they didn't wait to get divorced to together either. Anyway, this is the "friend" that my WW confides in more than anyone. Of all the messages I could have read, this was the one that would get me the most inside info. Even though I agonized over whether to snoop or not, I eventually broke and took a look... Turns out, that after our little blow up when I caught her meeting up with the OM at the grocery store parking lot right before Christmas, her friend set her up with a secret phone for her to use so that I and the OM's wife (she knows my wife's regular #) wouldn't know they were still talking. I know that they have a system in place to contact each other when us LBS's are suspicious and "watching" them. The most recent conversation was about my wife's IC session that day. The friend asked if she had told the counselor "everything" and the WW replied that she managed to tell her a little bit, but not all. What???? How are you supposed to figure out your life if you're not willing to be honest with your therapist? Who is this person?

As for the OM's wife, he has told her nothing but lies. She still thinks that because he "confessed" and then told their daughter and their parents about the affair, that he has put this mistake behind him and is working on their marriage. I struggle with wanting to tell her that his confession is a bunch of lies. That whether you want to believe it or not, they are still talking and hiding it from us. OM told his wife the affair became physical 2 weeks before I caught them, and they had sex just 3 times. I had been suspicious for so long, that my wife knew not to trot that timeline out, so she went with it had been going on for 2 months. She could tell from the look on my face that I wasn't buying that either. A week or so later, in one of her moments of clarity, she came clean and admitted that it had been physical for almost two years. At the time I thought that was probably accurate. Now, knowing she continues to lie to me, I'm certain that it was probably more like almost 3 years.

So, it's clear that the wife is pretending to be working on the marriage. She hasn't cut off communication with the OM, still doesn't find it necessary to be honest with not only me but isn't even being honest with the therapist in her sessions. Why would you bother to go to counseling if you’re going to manipulate the process? All I can guess is that she is just buying time to get things put into place.

As I’ve said before, my intention was to fight to put this marriage back together. That divorce wasn't an option for us. That you all don't really know my wife, that she's different. She'll be able to continue to work with him and it will be OK. It became crystal clear that it doesn't work that way right before Christmas. So, I need to make a fundamental change in how we interact. While I thought I was doing good at GAL & detachment, I obviously need to up my game.

So, do I even bother confronting her about this? She'll not admit to anything until I tell her exactly how I know. It's almost like she thinks that if I don't have concrete evidence to show her that I know what's going on, nothing is really going on. It's absolutely maddening to be in one of those conversations! Honestly, I don't want to even talk about it, I just want to be done with her for a while. How do I do that if she refuses to leave the home? I've told her I will not accept an in-house separation, but I still don't want to leave my home. Is it acceptable to just tell her "I've said it before and I mean it still- I will not share you with him, and I will not share my bed with you while he is part of your life". ? I guess I’m trading my boundary of not accepting an in-house separation for the chance to stay in my home.

I just could use some guidance. Let the 2x4's to the face commence.