Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

[BluWave]

(((Joe2017))) This is tough stuff. It is a very different kind of pain than what we deal with post-BD and during the separation. I would describe that time as more acute survival mode with peaks and valleys of desperation cycled with relief and optimism. When piecing starts there is an initial relief that soon becomes chronic aches and pains. This can lead to depression, and feelings of hopelessness, as the new reality sets in. The reality is that we do not get the same marriage back, or prior feelings that came with it, and this new one starts off tainted with new hurtful wounds and betrayals. And the hurt went both ways.

When my H and I started piecing, I was all over the map. The triggers/PTSD took over much of the time and that made it hard for me to stay focused. I very much felt that I had to understand why he had done what he had done and forgive him.I thought that had to come first. I also told myself that if the M was not going to last, that I didn't want it to be because of that one time period when things were at there worst. If we are going to go our separate ways and D, I want it to be because we are no longer compatible as a couple. I still feel this way today. It has been a challenge, but also necessary, to understand the difference between the two. I do not want my resentment towards what had happened to influence how compatible we are now and can be in the future.

That's not easy to do. The thing is, there were issues in the M before BD. Those are issues we are still addressing. Some are things we can navigate through and both make adjustments, but others are things we simply must accept about one another. I find myself not always knowing what I can and cannot accept. Perhaps before I could have accepted them, because I was blinded by love. Now that I see how flawed and imperfect he is, I somehow do not want to accept certain things. Perhaps I feel he owes me (our M) to work harder to change these things? Writing that doesn't read healthy or fair tho.

It is still not entirely clear to me. Because after several years of piecing, my perspective on Ms in general has also changed. I don't think people should give up easily. I also think we really owe it to our S to be clear about what we want and expect from a partner. It is also hard to simultaneously create feelings of love/romance when everything else requires so much "work" and compromise. I don't tend to feel that dissecting and negotiating the relationship leads to more feelings of intimacy, in fact quite the opposite.

Blu