A blue evening leading to an even bluer morning. I'm working on trying to keep up a good PMA, but I'm hitting a few bumps.
I was able to achieve making conversation to four out of five random folks yesterday. I don't know if that would require me to start the challenge again or if I can go forward with day 2.
My evening was a little busy. A friend of ours is being kicked out of her home and I told her she can use the garage at our house to store her stuff. However, the garage was messy and needed cleaning. That meant I had to go home while WW was at home. I let her know that I would be there within the hour. I got home, made friendly chat (cool response), and went about towards cleaning the garage. D4 was excited for me to be home and she was with me the entire time. I stayed for about an hour and a half cleaning and making room. WW came in and was pleased that there was more room in the garage. I was finishing up putting away christmas decorations and I had one of her heirlooms that I needed to secure due to its fragility. While I was looking around for a place to store this, WW came in and asked me if anything was wrong/I was ok. I gave her the "ok" symbol and found a box to put it in and put away. My mood was fine. I was not expecting anything from her. When I finished, WW told me that OM2 and D4 baked me a birthday cake and it was in the car for me to take. I acknowledged her informing me (I did not take the cake). I then put D4 to bed, which includes reading a bedtime story, snuggles, and good nights. (Side note: It's tearing me apart inside to not be there with D4 while she goes to bed. I should get used to this, but I cannot. I'm struggling.) I left the house and went to my friends place.
This morning, I wake up and decide to get a cup of coffee. I attempted to pay, but my card got declined. Turns out there was no money in the account. No, WW did not clean out the account. I checked our balance and the combination of me missing work, her missing work, and me separating funds caused this (We brought in $1500 less the last month...significant). I saw few expenses that were OM2 related (gas, groceries) I was able to get access to some money and bring us back in the black and I get paid for this month. Before anyone asks, we are going to discuss separation of our accounts. Maybe next week.
Humbled and ashamed, I called my mom and told her what happened. She told me that it's going to be ok. To trust my faith in God. I then came into work and started to do my job. While I worked, I recalled Sandi's and ovr's responses to my convo with WW. And (yet again) in hindsight, I see where I basically gave her a pass to do OM2 and to where I lost my self-respect. I tried to counter it (in my mind) by telling myself that we're separated and she can date if she wants and it's not considered cheating (It was pointed out to me that it's still cheating, though I would not tell WW). I also told myself that it was my mouth that made it worse and that things were starting to turn around last fall until I had to spew my anger at her for doing OM2. I made this sitch worse.
Yet again, I find myself starting something over. It's not DBing this time. I think I'm pretty good at that.
I think now it's finding my balls and get some self-respect. And I will need to accomplish it using a balanced, timely approach.
What stinks is that I lowered my chances of R even further at the realization that I am lacking balance. I am trying not to have any regrets. I tell myself that if we somehow R that the issues I have would not be brought to the surface and would cause problems down the road, possibly ending in another S.
Through this all, I just have to ask:
How badly broken am I? If it's taken me 6 months to start making tangible progress, how long is it going to take for me to gain control? Gain control of my sex issues? My confidence issues? My NGS? My anger and vindictiveness? What more am I going to have to lose to bring any other possible issues that I need to address?
