IMHO, you need to focus on healing from PTSD, before you try to deal with Piecing the M back together. As has already mentioned, you two needed to have started out as just friends, who occasionally saw each other....rather than going straight into a committed relationship. Anyway, if your therapist felt it would help for your XW to attend the sessions with you, and if she would agree......then that might be more beneficial to your health, and the relationship. I just don't think you two need to try and handle it on your own. Based on what you have shared with us, it sounds as if the PTSD is the more urgent issue, and is currently the main factor that causes arguments between you and XW. You have a trigger and need to talk about it. Unless your XW has experience working with patients who have PTSD, then she may be ill equipped to know how to help as a spouse.......especially one who has caused the trauma.
I was reading a little about the symptoms of PTSD, and one place it wrote about some things that may help in addition to therapy. I thought of you when I read how some patients find it helpful to record their therapy sessions when they are telling the therapist about a particular incident. Then whenever the patient felt the "need" to go over it again, he could play the recording and listen to himself tell the story. I don't guess it would help as far as you needing to hear your XW answer certain questions.....unless she was in the sessions, too. On second thought, maybe you shouldn't record any sessions where both of you are there.
I hope you will consider saving the discussions for the session time, rather than when you are with XW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
