Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Last night in a moment of darkness, I was speaking to a priest who was talking about how, when I am in the love of God through Christ, I can love the other in a way that I can never do on my own. And I know this to be true even though it p!sses me off. It's not like I am trying to do anything (in reference to your line about the saint attempt) except open myself to the will of God. I don't want to wait for my H or love him or any of that. I want to hate him and let bitterness swirl around me like a delicious hot tub of fury.

But I want to want to love and forgive.

So everyday I ask God to help me do that. And most days, I get a superhuman and clearly divine sense of love and forgiveness shooting through my heart. It is always a total surprise to me.

I don't want to be a saint and I don't want to be a martyr. I want to be wild, smoke cigarettes, get a little drunk, have affairs, run away. The only difference between me and any other sinner around here or anywhere else is that I ask God to help me love like He does even with the noise of my desires droning in my ears. And most days, He does it.

I am guessing that these feelings are relatively new, in that you have not been feeling these for years and years. I could be way off base, however that is the premise I’m going with.

Remember feelings are fleeting. Acknowledge and accept them, and stop feeding them.

You are facing H’s pushing for a divorce. Something that you have been in denial about. Not intellectually. Emotionally in denial. Perfectly normal and sensible. One wouldn’t deal with emotions regarding a divorce if one weren’t getting divorced.

Now as denial slips away, the next stage is anger, and it shows. The being p!ssed off and the hot tub of fury, are pretty subtle but I saw them. You want to hate H, and you want to love and forgive. Pretty confusing isn’t it? Don’t worry things will settle within yourself. Acknowledge the anger and realize why you feel that way. It will take a little time to defuse all this.

The other part, the wanting to be wild, smoke, drink, affairs, and run away. Sure looks like temptation to me.

The left behind spouse has many aspects to their journey, and you are no different. Once you have healed enough intellectually and emotionally, indifference starts to happen. I believe you are experiencing your first tastes of indifference.

As your feelings for H are diminished and attenuate, you will feel a need to fill that void. Temptation is so powerful during this time. Those rebellious ideas feel so good. However intellectually you know differently. Again further misalignment and confusion. Follow your beliefs.

This state is temporary, even though it doesn’t feel like it. This also takes a little time to settle and work through. Your beliefs will be tested - a lot! Stay strong to who you truly are.

Remember feelings are fleeting. Acknowledge and accept them, and stop feeding them.

DnJ