Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

New here, I've been reading quite a bit on the forums the past few days and decided to finally post about my situation.

Sorry for the wall of text, a lot of it is backstory leading up to ILYBNILWY and the time since

To start, I am 30 and she is 29, we have been together for 12 1/2 years and married for just over 2. No kids of our own.

The start of the journey that lead up to this was about a year before our wedding, we decided to move in with some friends to help save money for our wedding. Within 2 months the couple we moved in with separated and this caused all kinds of hell in the house. We put up with it to get through to our wedding, once we got married we started saving to move out on our own. The whole time we were living there though put extreme amounts of stress on me and I started a descent into depression. Fast forward to November of 17 we finally found a place and were ready to move out. I was so excited to be out of the roommate situation...... but then her phone rings, its her best friend since middle school who was wanting out of her abusive relationship with her 2 kids, she had no where to go and no job. We took her in, and right back into a situation I was so desperately wanting out of. We got her a job quickly, but we had to watch her kids on the weekends so she could work. 6 months goes by, and she moves out. We continued to watch the kids on the weekends, and it felt like she was at the house everyday, almost like she didn't move out. It was getting to me.

Through all this I worked nights (tues-fri) and she worked nights (sun-wens) so the only real time we had together was saturday and it was spent with me being exhausted and watching kids. She kept trying to get me to go out on saturday nights but I couldn't because I would stay up after work with her and the kids. I was expressing myself that we need to do something about not having the kids on saturday so we can do things together. She fought back and said that I can't blame me not wanting to do anything on the kids. I would simply say "You can't get a babysitter for the babysitter"

So I took matters into my own hands and applied and got a transfer to day shift. This would give me Thurs & fri night with her and I wouldn't be exhausted saturday nights. Win/Win.......

But, I was in such a bad state of depression that I made some stupid decisions and some impulse purchases that I shouldn't have. I always handled the bills and have never done this before but I wasn't thinking straight. And these purchases ended up causing bills to get behind to the point that my truck got repossessed and she didn't know about the situation, she always held me to high standards and I wanted to tell her but didn't know how as I was scared that she wouldn't look at me the same, and this is where it all began.

No additionally, I would get irritable towards her for no reason and I couldn't for the life of me understand why. After all this happened I found out it's because of my Hypothyroidism that I haven't been on my meds for for the last 3 years.

Anyway, come thanksgiving I stayed at home by myself while she went out of town to family as I had to work thanksgiving day. It was this day that I found out she was looking to divorce. She came back home the next day and I asked her about it, and that was when I was hit with the ILYBNILWY and it hit my like a sack of potatoes. I broke down, all the emotions that I was holding in from depression came out.

The next day I woke up feeling like a new person, and was instantly performing 180's on my bad behaviors. We talked about it and agreed to work on it. She moved into the guest room, and only stayed in there 2 or 3 days and was then back in the MBR. Things seemed great, until just after Xmas, I found out she told her mom it was never going to work.

So we talked about it again, I asked her why she made it seem like things were getting better and how it made me feel like I was being "led on". She agreed and said it was wrong of her. But even so, nothing changed, she continued to stay in the MBR, we celebrated NYE together. This whole time I continued with the changes I had made right after i was hit with the ILYBNILWY, and she said she noticed them and likes the changes I made. 2 more weeks go by of the same behavior.

She then suddenly goes back to the guest room, when asked she said it's because the bed is more comfy (it has a mem foam pad) and is better for her back (she's been in back pain for a while), so I said ok. 2 days go by and she hits me with the I still want a divorce, and then asked me what she wants to do about the rings.

She had always called me babe, and after this day it was instantly stopped. It was like a switch had flipped.

She knows my stance on the situation and that I want to reconcile our differences. So last weekend we were watching a movie together with her friend and I had my spot on the couch that I was laying on, I stepped away for a few minutes and came back and she had moved into my spot. I kindly asked for it back, and she was like "but i just got warm and comfy" to which I replied "Well, you know I would cuddle up with you, but you don't want that". After which she thought about it and moved. 10-15 minutes goes by and she gets up and comes over and cuddles up with me. Later that night we had sex and had slept together in the guest room. (At this point she said no more cuddling and the sex was just that, sex)

Then this weekend comes up, and she's been talking to me and calling me a mix between my name and "babe" she also makes a comment while talking about actors saying "you know how couples get a free pass if they can get with a celebrity they want, yea you would be in trouble" (I'm here thinking I'm already in trouble) I brush it off and don't say anything. We again sit down to watch a movie with her friend, this time I sit in the middle where she was last time keeping about a foot distance from her, when about 15-20 minutes into the movie she slides over and cuddles up to me again. We both slept in the MBR that night and the following night.

So basically at this point I don't really know what's going on. I started today the process of detaching, limiting my conversations with her to only if she initiates it. And spent the day working on some projects I've been needing to complete for some time now. She seemed to have noticed me backing away because she asked me "what's up with you" in which I replied with a smile "Nothing" to the response of "Um Hmm"

I know I made the mistakes along the last 2 months of trying to discuss it with her (I didn't know that until the last few days of reading here, so that has come to a stop)

Anyway, I'm looking for any guidance. I really want to make this work with her but I know I must also focus on myself.