Sorry to hear of your sitch. You are in the right place for some guidance and hopefully you can find some comfort. We know what it's like to be on the receiving end when they want to bail out.
Few things:
Don't share this with him or let him know what you are doing. He may want out but he will also think you are trying to manipulate him with tactics by coming here so don't share. This is for you only. Delete your browser history. Don't copy and paste anything and if you do, delete your copy paste info too. copy something that isn't important.
From what you said, the changing pw on phone is very suspicious. If he doesn't shower at home, it doesn't mean he isn't showering elsewhere. Its still too early to tell, I don't think many women would be attracted to how you describe your H. It does sound like depression.
Hope you are familiar with GAL and Detaching. Give him some space.
When I first got laid off 20 years ago in the tech industry, I pretended to wake up and go to work for 2 weeks so my girlfriend who is my W now would not freak out. I was devastated and did not know how she would take it. I felt like I lost all control and didn't know that could happen. I had severance pay and benefits but I still remember the let down I felt. I eventually told her and I remember she laughed at me for keeping it from her and said we would be okay.
Some men will be like that and feel they don't deserve a woman to be by their side when it gets tough. And for his parents to do that, the way you describe it sounds pretty abrupt and as if he had very little or no choice in the matter.
Take care of yourself. Get rest, try to sleep, read up on what you can. And Post!
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
He did tell me he was afraid that I wouldn’t love him anymore if he didn’t have money (which I never insinuated... he hasn’t really had money since day one 9 years ago so, )I did make clear that rich or poor it didn’t matter to me and I’d rather he do what he loves and makes him happy. He just keeps telling me he doesn’t know what that is and he’s lost.
I mean, if he’s showering somewhere else I’m not sure what’s happening by the time he makes it home because he smells like old yeast whenever I see him. Like an old beer bottle. And he hasn’t had a haircut in 2 months. But some girls are ok with that so I don’t know.
I’m sticking to detaching and doing my own thing, staying pleasant but not too interested (honestly if he’s up to something bad, I don’t want to know) I have been inviting him to come along when I do go out (open invitation, no pressure either way I’m going) and he’s been saying no initially but then changing his mind and going out and we’ve been having a good time. More like friends than a date but is that what I’m going for? Is him being nice to me a part of the distancer/persuer game?
Hi Lost. DBING... 180s and GAL is for YOU so don’t worry how he is perceiving things. Do what works for you. Go out on your own sometimes without issuing an invitation. If your H decides to leave at some point, it will be easier on you if you have already started to GAL without him. Your H sounds like he really needs an IC. Hopefully he will decide to get one. (((HUGS)))
I guess I just keep getting my hopes up because his behavior is so erratic. One minute he's distant, doesn't say a word, the next minute he's asking me if I wanna go for a drive with him and texting me smiley faces like "I'll see you tomorrow :)" I know, I know. He's just messing around with my feelings. I hate it. part of me wants to keep working on it but the other half feels like I'm better than this.
I don’t think he is messing with you on purpose. Don’t take this the wrong way but I honestly don’t think he is thinking about you at all. He is just doing what he feels like doing in the moment... he is driven by his feelings. So when he is distant, he is feeling distant. When he texts you to go on a drive, he feels like going for a drive with you. I think that is why you should keep your focus on you and not him. He has to learn that you are going to live your life and aren’t always going to be there every time he feels like including you.
I know this is tough but take it from someone who did everything wrong for way too long. You have to be strong and give him lots of space...more than he wants. (((HUGS)))
I know this is tough but take it from someone who did everything wrong for way too long. You have to be strong and give him lots of space...more than he wants.
Well soon he will have an entire country's worth of space. We live on the east coast and I'm moving back home to be with my family on the opposite side of the country. I want to stay but I feel like I don't have the emotional support that I need here. All our friends here are shared friends (he's friends with the husband, I'm friends with the wife) and I don't want to get into too much detail with them because a) they'll just share it and b) I don't want to hurt his relationships with his friends. His family is here and keeps trying to talk to me about it but I don't feel like i can share it with them because after everything, they're still his family, not mine.
I know I need to do whats best for me, and I feel like this is it, but its just so hard to let go.
Does anyone have experience of letting someone go and having them come back?
So I’ve been following the detaching advice and I think it may be working? But I can’t say for certain. He’s been communicating more about where he’s going and what he’s doing, when he’ll be home (on the days he decides to come home, some nights he doesn’t but he has been telling me when he won’t be so that’s good?) He still makes comments about what he’ll be doing once it’s just him (like getting Hello Fresh and cancelling his Dish plan) It’s silly because they’re small things but it puts in my mind that he is thinking about his future with out me. I just need to keep reminding myself he’s not thinking about me. He’s thinking about what’s best for him.
I’ll be moving out in about a month and I plan to keep this up as long as I can. I’m not sure when or if he plans to give me divorce papers. I want to ask if he thinks we should just spend some time apart instead of fully separating but I don’t know when it’s a good time to bring something like that up. I know right now it isn’t because we’re still working on positive interactions and I don’t want to push him backwards. Any thoughts on when it’s a good time for me to bring this up?
Its been a couple days since I posted, not sure if anyone is following this post anymore, but I thought I'd update anyway.
He spent the first few days of the week at home. Typically he falls asleep on the couch or recliner so he's been doing that as usual, and then coming to bed at 2-3 in the morning. Yes we are still sleeping in the same bed, and yes it is difficult for me because I want to badly to just cuddle up but I know I shouldn't. I also don't want to budge and leave the bedroom because none of this was my decision! So I reserve the right to keep my bed! If he doesn't like it he can sleep in the guest room. Not sure why he isn't, honestly.
Last night he spent the night at his dads place after spending the evening at the bar, and he'll probably do the same tonight. So i guess we're just plugging along as usual. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix things if he's not here very often and I'm not really supposed to be texting or calling him.
Hey Lost. The vets and everyone reads your posts. Dont feel bad if you dont get a response. Sometimes they dont respond when you are just journaling. If you need help make sure to ask for it. If you want feedback ask and someone will respond.
You cant fix things. Stop thinking of it from that mindset. Again, detach, focus on bettering yourself. Get a new hobby, go to the gym, get out and get a life. Yiu have to act as if you are moving on without him. Eventually, you may be moving on without him and since you will be used to it, you wil be ok if that is the outcome.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
