Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[LB55]

Went out for dinner last night by myself after spending the day reading the NMMNG book. I found myself kind of angry on the drive back to the base for the night. Angry that W, instead of talking to me about our issues, instead chooses to cut bait and run. Angry that she is using the kids as leverage against me. Angry that she blames me for all of our problems to the court and uses them as justification to not allow me time with the kids unless under supervision. Angry that she told all those hurtful lies about me and angry about the re-writing of history she is doing.

I know anger is just a stage in this process. I am still tied to the outcome here, partly because the kids are involved in the outcome, and partly because I still want to work it out with W. I know I have said before that I miss my life but not my W, and most days that is true. Today is not one of those days. Today I find myself missing everything about her, her smell, her touch, her voice, the sound of her sleeping, her keeping me warm at night, and mostly just having a partner in life. I haven't had any communication at all since November with her other than via L, and he is just a money grubbing jerk.

Today I just want to have dinner with her, tell her what I have read and learned about myself, cite specific examples of things I have screwed up, show her a different me. I know none of this is possible and definitely not a good idea right now. Doesn't mean I don't want it. Feeling down today. Going to a fitness class tonight with the hope of others providing me some motivation to work out today. It will do me good to get exercise today.

Feeling pretty down on myself today, that book really showed me a lot of things I have been doing that have affected my life and relationships since I was probably 10 years old. That's a lot of being a 'nice guy' to overcome. Knowledge is power in the end, but right now its just depressing to stare at the elephant knowing I have to eat the whole thing with a spoon.