Like I said at the start of this entry, why can't I move on. I have accepted the way things are. I have forgiven him and myself. Surely, the grief should be gone now ?!?!?
I don't think it works like that. You don't check a, b, and c, and expect D to happen. Give it more time. As people have said, you are pretty self-aware. However it takes a lot more time than you could imagine, until one day you no longer feel that way. Looking ahead, you can't see when that will be. There is no marker. But one day, when you look back, you will realize it just happened. Maybe you could pinpoint when it happened, or maybe you would be so far down your path that it doesn't matter. I wouldn't sweat it either. The more you fight it and try to figure it out, the more energy you waste on it. As you said, embrace it, let it flow. Like meditation. Your outter image of yourself senses these things, but deep down you'll know. Maybe it's not full blown grief, but there are tinges of pain. This is okay. I don't think this works in black and white or hot and cold. We want to bring it to bearable. When emotions are bearable, we can thrive.
This is one facet of your life. One chapter. Sure, the story may spill over into other chapters, but you have so much ahead, a long way still to go. Like the seasons slowly change, those moments will turn into past hours and then fade away into days and weeks.
BTW, when I talk about my W I don't mean to put her down or say she is a bad mother. And when I commented about the yelling, I was not trying to link any semblance there. I hope I didn't come across a certain way about that and if I did, I apologize. As parents, raising voices, yelling, and sometimes having to spank, ground, and all the hard stuff, It comes with the territory. I've also been the disciplinarian when it came to the tough love with the boys, wonder how that will play out too...
We're humans on either side trying to deal with this in our own ways, your H and you, my W and I. I know with my W and I there is a genuine lack of communication. I've probably said it before but she is a runner and avoids conflict. She is not someone who would spend the time to try and talk it out. She would say there are too many words spoken. You have that bond with your D12 and you're aware of the situation, giving space. My S11 is at that stage and it's now hard for him to open up. I am afraid that between them two when there is an issue, she may not know how to handle it. Her parents have never communicated on that level in the 25 years I've seen them together. They've always slept in separate rooms. Quiet with one another. And here I am making a big fuss like we need to talk this out right now and get this off our chest. She'll sleep on it and forget it. I have learned to accept that, as a way to diffuse - not to completely ignore, and not always.
My W tells me she still cares about me. I have the same thoughts that come to my mind but I don't say anything, the ones where I say "oh yeah well then why didn't you try to work it out before doing this?" I try to be the rock, but sometimes it feels like the pebble. I realize I am doing this to myself. W wants out, she is trying to be nice, trying not to feel as guilty for having this happen. Of course she wants to cake eat too. I do love her enough to let her go and I leave it at that.
W used to book all our flights because she coordinated all the holidays with her side of the family. I was always an extension of that. When I would make reservations for us, for our anniversary or her bday or w/e, I'd change them to include some of her siblings or all of them. Your H is nice in that regard.
Also I would not discount the benefits of drinking entirely, namely allowing for a good nights sleep when its one of them days. I do agree there are dangers when flirting with alcoholism as escapism.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
