Paco - not taken as judgement at all. Your words always resonate with me. I don't know if it's the path to madness, but it certainly is the path to self hate. I will get a better handle on it.
You have put it well - for my H at least, love is not enough. It was not enough when he left (the resentment was to strong) and it is not enough now (pride cometh before the fall).
I question sometimes, given the time that has passed, whether I should still be grieving or if I am just simply, wallowing in my grief. I read the threads here and whilst I celebrate with those that have managed to build new and fulfilling lives without their spouses, I wonder, why I, over a year in, am still stuck, holding on to the little flicker of a hope that still lives inside me. It is true, I am not the same person as I was when he left. I am certainly more fulfilled now, the tears and emotional rollercoaster are (for the most part) long gone, I have friends I would not have had if circumstances were different, I am in great shape and I have a job where I am respected and well liked. What is not to love about my life. But I still want my H to come home. I still feel the space he left.
Journalling
I have just come home. My H was here earlier with the children. He made them dinner and picked up their clothes for tomorrow. I can still smell the cooking smells in the kitchen so they have not been gone long. Before he left he had never ever cooked them dinner. Funny how things change. Right now he would be sitting in his car in the carpark at the school where the girls train for netball, waiting for training to finish. They will stay with him tonight and he will take them to school in the morning. If I am lucky, they will have forgotten something and stop by the house on the way to his flat. He is not expecting me to be here so I doubt he will stop by. He does not like the girls coming home to find me not here.
I had rescheduled my dinner with the boy for tonight but I emailed him and cancelled. It has been too long and it is just plain awkward now - we can manage one to one conversation for about ten minutes ("how was your weekend?" etc) but then it falls into silence as we both desperately try to find something safe to talk about. There is a white elephant in the room and I already have one person in my life where conversations are nuanced. I do not need two.
Work continues to be crazy as we discover more and more wrong with the delivery. The project was to create a fully operational subsidiary in Europe within 12 months capable of processing billions in revenue in any given year. Achieved, but with a lot of holes. We are now desperately trying to plug those holes. I spend a large part of my day swearing at my monitor - you can time the swearing with the arrival of each new email. There is a lot of manic laughter in the room as we uncover yet another thing that needs fixing FAST. I have to admit, I love the noise. I will not love it so much when the finger pointing starts - which is bound to happen.
I need to book my flights for my holiday. H always took care of this for me. He sent me a text today saying that he would still help. I am no longer on his flight list so can't get free flights (long story, but basically he wants to go to vegas for a stag do in June and he is putting two of his mates on his list). n't he can still get me discounts. He then sent me possible flights I might want to book. He STILL does these things for me. I really don't understand. It is like, as long as it doesn't interfere with his 'freedom' then he will still act like my H.
We also had an exchange of texts about him taking the girls away in Feb. He is taking them on a cruise. He was concerned there would not be an opportunity for me to see the girls between getting back from my holiday and him taking them away so is moving his holiday back a day. The exchange of texts was all very 'friendly'. When he told me what he was planning I responded with a 'That sounds awesome. The girls will love that - they need some winter sun' (which I think falls into lovingly detached) but inside I was tearing in two. I had to go for a walk to calm myself down.
Like I said at the start of this entry, why can't I move on. I have accepted the way things are. I have forgiven him and myself. Surely, the grief should be gone now ?!?!?
