Still foggy, still going (Phoenix9 DB XI)

[sandi2]

Okay, I'm not going to rehash it all, but I will respond to a few things, just for your clarification.

I have never once told her that my goal is to get back together with WW.

No, I was not referring to that type of goal. Just like you were telling in various ways that you don't want a D, you were telling her how you were working to fix yourself. I tried to make references to what most LBH's share with their WW when they are working on their physical body or emotional issues.....or whatever when they are "fixing" themselves. I was not referring to you wanting to get back together with your W.

Sandi, she is going to screw OM2 now regardless of what I say or do right now. Me drawing the line will not change anything. As far as she is concerned we're separated and she can damn well do whatever the crap she wants, including OM2.

You are absolutely correct in the above quote. But I was not talking actually talking about drawing a line right now. However, I will direct your attention to your initial boundary, if I did not misunderstand or have forgotten. You were going to divorce her b/c she would not stop her affair, is that correct? Well, that was fine b/c it was a boundary. You were not going to stay in an open marriage. But then you decided to take a softer stance, and proceeded to tell her that you'd put up with having a W who was living in open sin with another man......b/c that was better than divorcing her like a man should do when his WW is living with OM #2. No, she may not have changed her mind.......and even if it meant you followed through and enforced that boundary by divorcing her, it would have shown you being a man who has self respect, and too much respect for the institution of marriage (to which she has totally violated) to tolerate infidelity.

I hammer you guys all the time how important it is that your actions reflect a man of strength, decisiveness, calmness (not acting like an angry bear), integrity and self respect. How many times have I told you the WW must see her H through lens of respect? I was simply trying to show you that by telling her (in so many words) that you had changed your mind about filing for D, and that you accepted the conditions (her living with OM2 while M to you), b/c you didn't want a D..............basically collapsed a platform for respect. A platform where you would not be in a M that tolerated infidelity. It might not immediately stop her from her being with OM2, but she would still have thought more of you as a man, b/c she knows it isn't right to live with OM2 while legally M to you. I don't remember if you ever verbally used the word "boundary" with her, however, she certainly knew the reason you would be divorcing her!

As Steve85 once told me, it should get to a point where anything WS does rolls off like water on a duck's back. I am getting to that point.

Stay balanced, Phoenix. In some less major things, like the day to day things that were making you angry...you can let her actions roll off like water on your back. But you have to know you core values, spiritual beliefs, standards, and dignity.....or you won't be able to determine which actions to ignore and which to address. See what I mean about you jumping from one polar to the opposite? Your thinking is out of whack, and now you've painted yourself into a corner. I kind of doubt Steve meant you are suppose to just let infidelity roll off your back. I suspect he was referring to your serious anger issues........but I didn't see the post, so I shouldn't try to speak for him.

I just feel that I have better chances of turning this around while we're still legally M. I feel that my chances drop significantly once D is formalized.

You are trying to cling to her, and it's another example of how you've went from your extreme anger stance to the polar opposite of turning into a soft/weak guy who thinks he can hang on by not divorcing. Well, that's your decision.......but I don't think you handled it right by telling her you would tolerate her living with OM2 while staying legally M....b/c you didn't want a D. No W is going to respect her H as a man who puts up with that mess. And here's another thing. You have decided to soften your stance, and try to save the M by not filing for a D. How do you plan to do that while she's with the other guy? B/c you will be making it worse if you start pursuing her. Until you figure out how to balance your thinking, and your soft stance is going to mess with your head.

Anyway, I've expressed my thoughts about it, and I'll try not to keep harping on it. With that said, you have to move forward from this point and put duct tape over your mouth. Stop making implications that you don't want a D, b/c you have made it very clear to her. If she makes any snide remarks, like she did about having kids with OM2, or using other ways to apply pressure (and she will) there is something you are permitted to say more than once. "You are free to file for D, and I won't stand in your way". Don't have anymore heavy conversations where you talk about fixing yourself. You can talk calmly, and speak as respectfully as possible, and if you can show PMA and sound friendly......then good. Can't you do those things without pursuing her? Find the balance between being cold, angry, domineering ......and being too soft, weak, passive, etc. I don't want you to return to your vengeful frame of mind, but I don't want you to become a doormat, either.

(((hugs)))