The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[lusa]

Nothing much has changed in my sitch - I've been consistent with my changes and we've been spending lots of enjoyable time together. Then yesterday i snooped and now I'm tail-spinning into oblivion.

No wonder my WW doesn't want to talk or consider R, preferring to just rug-sweep and pretend.
It is because she is still deeply in love with OM, and unfortunately as this is her ex H, with shared history I don't think she's ever going to get over it.

She writes notes before talking to him, I've seen a few before and posted them here. Unfortunately I snooped yesterday and found another note, they are always around cutting off contact, and this is in response to cutting off contact.

This one said.

"What would you do? I can only assume if I saw you again I'd feel the same. On that last day I definitely did. Bye babe, love you.

That deep connection went 2 ways. It was so powerful I couldn't cope with it, so I stopped it. I have always regretted it. I failed and have regretted it ever since.

I will be back in 10 years when **illegible** will be less"

So she loves him, is trying to cut off contact but has promised she'll be back with him in 10 years - which is when our youngest will have left home.

I have been back at home as a family, with her pretending everything is ok, listening to her talking about our future and getting on well for six months now. I've been biding my time waiting for her to commit to R and then M/C. After reading this I feel so completely hopeless now. There's no way I will be able to stay with her now counting down the time to BD2. I need to let her go and move on more than ever - this hurts really bad.

She's noticed I'm upset (not good), I've already let slip that I read something I shouldn't have (not good), now I'm dreading going home, I think I'm going to have to tell her what I've read. Acting as-if with a PMA is going to be really hard when I'm dying inside, but I'm going to try for the kids. I'm really close to filing myself now, I've endured 13 months of pain and the worst of it has just come flooding back.

I just don't know what to do.[i][/i]