They do age rather quickly. Depression, stress, hard living, whatever - it all takes its toll.
Regarding extra money. Giving her any extra funds to help her out, will most likely prolong her journey. She needs to figure out her problems, and money is one of them. She has to see the responsibilities of being an adult.
I know it “feels” wrong to do that, or think that way. After a long term loving relationship, it will take time to reprogram yourself. It does look counter-intuitive, and is really the only compassionate way you can help her.
Pay whatever your agreement or arrangements state. Do this always, on time, and in full. It is the best you can do right now, and a way of living up to those vows we all promised.
It is an interesting coincidence that I just penned a six part post about the Paths of the LBS. I think your questioning of your situation can be understood a bit with that viewpoint.
I also saw the surreality of my situation. We do question our past, our present, and our future. I was bugged by similar thoughts for a time, just like you are now.
This is the result of different aspects of ourselves having different “understandings” our situation. Intellectually you understand, you know your past, the marriage, the love, the life. Emotionally you are not at the same “understanding”. This leads to a misalignment of ourselves, and leads to questioning. Why do I feel this way? Was it real?
We all need to have emotional resolution to this. Some of our tools for understanding is reason and logic. We cannot match our emotions to our reasoned understanding, so a conflict arises. Be careful here, we will match our intellect to our emotions if not on guard, by rewriting our own history.
From you post, I think you can see this conflict, and the possible rewriting that could happen. Fight against it! And I mean fight! This is a battle of your mind. You know what is true and real, even if you don’t feel it.
We cannot think or reason our emotions to healthiness or understanding. We also do not vanquish them, kill them, or banish them forever. We let them flit away. Feelings are fleeting. We stop feeding them, and they wither, and they do not die. Feelings are a part of you, are irrational, and not able to be reasoned with. Perfectly normal. Let them flit away, and accept the irrationality of it. That is how we resolve our emotional state.
Your questions already have answers, you know them. What’s bugging you is something else. Reason and logic are your greatest weapons, and will allow you stop feeding and reinforcing. This will allow other feelings and emotions to take hold and grow; emotions more in line with what is actually happening. Perhaps a compassionate and calm outlook would be desirable, regarding yourself and her.
I hope that made sense. You can ask any questions you like R678. I understand the confusion you are facing. You can and will work through it; don’t loose sight of your headings.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
