Harvey - I have always been a reasonably sensible drinker but over the last two months I have really bought into the binge drinking culture. It is a problem over here, and one I have always managed to avoid. In the past I would have one or two drinks then make my excuses and go. In the past, I wanted to go home. To my H, to my kids. I don't drink at home and I don't drink on my own. So, if I were to be brutally honest with myself, I do it out of loneliness and because I get a lot of attention when I am out. I am someone else. Not a lonely middle aged single mum. But, having said that, the holiday I have planned in Feb is a yoga/skiing retreat so, for one week, I will be indulging hobbies which are healthy for both my mind and body. There will be drinking, but it will be more in line with what I am use to - wine with dinner, maybe a shot of something late at night.
Adam - D12 and I were very close until she started high school (just before BD). The pulling away was to be expected. The attitude was to be expected. The tears were not. Anyone who knew us would tell you that our children are spoilt both with love and with "things". They have always had everything done for them, they have always had the best of everything. They have always been the centre of our worlds. When he MO, all our worlds fell apart. Their perfect life was in tatters. D9 handles it well. She is in tune with the feelings of others and wants to make everyone feel ok. D12 is also in tune with others, but internalises everything.
It is now a balance between giving her the space and freedom to be 12 and work out who she is and not leaving her to flounder. A difficult balance and sometimes I fail. I still do stuff for her but I can't stand over her (and tbh - she just gets upset if I do). The only time it turns into yelling is when we are out the door and she is still half dressed and looking for socks. Yesterday I put all her football stuff out for her, woke her up and said that her daddy is picking her up in an hour so she needs to get ready. I then went downstairs to get myself ready and make breakfast. When I saw she was nearly finished getting ready, on the couch playing on her phone (20 mins before pick up) I asked her to put her socks and boots on. She said "I'll put them on in the car". When he came to pick her up she couldn't find her socks - we all ran around the house looking for them. She was screaming that someone must have moved them and nearly crying again. They turned out to be under her football jacket on the stairs (where she dropped them as she came down that morning). I managed to maintain my cool that time because D9 wasn't being made late for school and neither was I. But, when D9 is late every morning and I have to explain at work why I am late, well, it becomes harder not to lose my temper.
We couldn't get the tests done - the forms were in H's car. But we had a nice trip to the hospital and a long chat so it was worth doing. H is taking her today.
I am sorry your W won't engage with the children. I am lucky I guess in that regard, both H and I are devoted to them. It took MO for him to realise that, but at least he did. He was here all day yesterday - it was his day with the kids and he chose to spend it at home with all three of us. As it was his day I pottered around the house - did yoga up in my room, laundry, washing and tidying. I watched TV for a bit. He sat in the den, watching them play mind craft whilst playing on his phone. This would never have happened pre BD. I would have been running around trying to get things done and entertaining the kids whilst he sat in the living room watching TV.
From an outsiders perspective it might sound like I was not engaging with the family, but it was his day with the kids and it is easier on both of us (and thus the children) if we do not spend too much time in the same room. The kids loved having us both at home and not fighting. We also went to dinner together with his mum and SD. No direct conversation but it wasn't uncomfortable.
Your W will realise how much you do for the children and will either step up or she won't. I guess prepare yourself mentally for both eventualities because both will hurt. She either becomes the mother you wanted her to be (and this hurts) or she screams and yells at the children more.
I put D12's clothes out for school yesterday and I am now going to put a smile on my face and wake her up.
