13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[SoTorn]

A bit of journaling:

So yesterday I went to the house after work. I picked up the kids, and we went for 2 hours of fun filled gymnastics and really had fun. The kids were really happy to see me (haven't seem them since saturday), but it wasn't over the top or anything, it was like picking them up after a day of work, and that calmed me and made me feel good about this, and what they have coming.

After gymnastics, we went to the house, WW had cooked dinner and I participated for the kids sake. She started a lot of small talk about work, things she had experienced and so on. I just smiled, nodded and listened, and talked with the kids without being rude in any way, it actually came pretty natural to me, which I reflected on later in the car. Hurt is moving forward slow and steady.

After dinner I sat on the couch with my kids under a duvet, and just enjoyed a moment of quietness. WW came in and said, that if I wanted to, I didn't have to wait until friday, but I could come again tomorrow - I smiled at her and said "Friday will be fine".

I made the kids ready for bed, and then kissed them goodnight, closed the door, packed my things and headed to my parents place.

I can feel how my emotional need to satisfy, get attention from, and try to mindread my WW is diminishing rapidly, and I think its genuine this time around. It is really hard to describe, but I would say it feels like, I am letting go of the the steering, and stepping out of the car. I dont panic about no longer steering, its actually calming for me. It probably doesn't make sense for the reader, but yea, I am in a good place right now.

I do not want to fool anyone reading this, who is just beginning their journey, or the veterans helping me out. I do, on a daily basis, have to use my stopsign technique to not get run over by emotions, but they last for, what is now maybe 10 seconds and then im over it in my head. When we had the IHS, the thoughts would stick with me for hours at a time.

I hope you all have a great day - I am going to go grab my new gift for my self today, a Callaway GBB Epic Sub Zero Driver for my Portugal trip .

I get it Hurt. I compare myself to skipping the roller coaster. I no longer allow my WW to affect my emotions. Fortunately, my WW is not nice to me like yours seems to be. My WW is hell bent on trying to smear me, find leverage and justify herself in any way possible. I just ignore her as much as I can.

I am glad that you are getting to this point. It is very hard to see getting to this point when you are new to all of this. I felt the same way on BD. I was so lost, sad and upset. I couldn't see anything else beyond trying to somehow win my WW back.

Now that time has progressed and I have been GAL like a mad man and consistently working on my 180s, I have realized just how important I am to myself, what I deserve and how to actually get what I deserve.

I am feeling kind of down this evening but it will pass. It always does. I am not pining for WW, but instead missing the family life that we had. Its all so different now and I am dreading the day when I move out solely because its going to hurt badly moving away from my kids and not seeing them but every other week.