Hi DB family, I have been occasionally visiting the site reading a few posts. Just thought it was time to give another update. Nothing much happening really, D is filed and its just a matter of months now, most things sorted out between us although final signatures arent done yet. It is but a legal piece of paper now, I have been living this life for close to 7 months. WH is still full of lies and leading his parallel life, he was visiting OW this week and lost a day with kids due to flight delays, he has a million excuses of where he actually was, it is weird now I talk as if he is at OWs place and he still is in denial. It hurt as soon as I realized he has gone to see OW again but then the pain passed in a few hours. I gave back to him a few of the most valued emotional items of our journey together, some pieces of jewellery, wedding ring, poems he wrote for me all those years ago, they were all over the house and somehow I felt they were emotional chords holding me back so I just returned them to him and told him they were things that I do not need anymore.
On a personal front, I have been slowly healing. I still have bad days but I recoup quicker now, also I realize the pain will not just disappear it will fade slowly at its own pace. I feel sorry for WH in my own way, if he is even half the man I knew him to be, his guilt will slowly eat him alive. If he ever comes back it will not be any time soon, he is still lost and lives in his parallel universe. I will never take him back the way he is, I have suffered so much because of this man I dont want him any more. I think I can truly now say ILYBNILWY to him, the occassional hurt is residue from the past, the new me absolutely doesnt desire him in anyway. Sour grapes or true healing, either way it works.
My life is going well, I am great at my job, now way more thankful that I have it than I ever have been, I am a super mom to my Ds, I feel sad when he drops the ball especially when I see how they light up on seeing him. But while they are with me I make our home paradise on earth.In a very strange way, this journey of mine has awakened me at a deeper level, I am more present, full of gratitude to what I have, a better mother, a person with so much patience and mentally I must have aged about 50 years this past year. I may have gone a life time never knowing so many things. At BD it was all about me, why me, what is lacking in me, then it was about him, how could he do this, why is he so broken to break me and somehow for past few weeks its about me again but in a good way. What if all this happened because I would have never taken this journey myself otherwise, seen the things life is offering with a clearer lens, appreciate everything for its true value. I have so much in life still, WH is just a facet of my life that didnt work out. I had made him the center of my universe, without realizing all along that I was the actual center and he was just a part of it.
It still wrenches my heart when I realize my kids dont have a proper family, but I have to accept that neither my actions nor my decisions caused this. It is on me to make them much stronger than I have been. I am neither ready nor healed enough to date, that may take a few years considering WH was my only partner in everything, but I cannot open myself to new hurt there and that is not my way of healing. I am looking into other career oriented goals for myself and am finding happiness in things I can actually control and are on me.