It's been exactly half a year since I started my DB journey. I look back where I was late July and now and I am very happy with how I have progressed. While the next 26 weeks will bring a lot of change, I can say that I am in better shape now to deal with them than where I was. A good birthday present I would think.
I had an update of my past few days ready for sharing, but I saw Sandi's post and need to respond. One major issue I have to work on is dealing with the fact that I say too much. My response to my WW talking about formalizing our S was a huge step back. I see your reasons as to why I may have swung back to nice-guy Phoenix (pain?) but I feel like I should give some details of my reasoning.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Phoenix, here's the thing, this current nesting arrangement cannot be permanent. You can not move forward and expect to have future relationships with you spending half your time back at the marital home with your child. I know you are hoping your M will be saved, but at the same time you need to be realistic and ask yourself if this is the setup you want until D4 is ready for college. How long can you make payments of two places.....b/c eventually, friends and family get tired of you staying with them......if that's what you are doing.
It will not be. My WW is making plans on moving out by summer and we're going to discuss our separation of finances, maybe as early as next week. At most, there is about five months of this left. Either we decide to R between now and then, or WW moves out and the nesting ends. I have told her that I will not change or influence her decision to move that way. I dropped the "D" word, regardless if it was in anger or not, and that set a chain of events that led her to plan her exit.
Originally Posted by sandi2
As much as you want your child to have quality time with her mother, you cannot force the other spouse to be a be good parent. If D comes, then eventually the child will spend 50/50 wherever the parents live. Even if the parents are okay with the nesting arrangement, other partner or future spouses aren't very likely to go along with it. That's how life goes.
I know. And it's heading that direction already. As much as I don't want this possible D to happen I cannot force WW to be a good parent. WW is a great mom to D4. I am not questioning her choices she is making right now. Maybe I will down the road, but in this space and time, I'm keeping my mouth shut.
And I also know that I cannot pursue a R with someone else with things are as is. I am still broken.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Phoenix, I think you have handled things fairly well, except when you open your mouth. Why in blue blazes does the LBH think he must explain to his WW (who is leaving him and living with OM2) about his personal goals, self improvements, behavior changes, and intentions? And why oh WHY does the LBH feel that his WW is hard of hearing? How many times did you tell her you didn't want a D?
My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble. It caused this S and possible D, it made this sitch worse, and it has seemingly made my chances to R smaller.
I don't know if you meant that I in particular explained my goals, improvements, changes, and intentions to WW. I did not. WW was the one who acknowledged those changes in me. My mistake was telling her that I am saw the root causes of being in this predicament and am working on them so I don't make this painful mistake again. I have never once told her that my goal is to get back together with WW. Maybe me saying that does not matter and I still should have kept it very short and not even mention my reasoning.
In that conversation, I told her directly that I don't want a D twice. I told her that I don't know why but did tell her it's not what I want.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Couldn't you just tell her if she wants a D that she can file and you won't stand in her way? She saw this as another time you "just changed your mind", although you kept on telling you didn't want a D.
I told her that I will not change her mind or feelings on what to do. I told her I understand that moving towards D is her mindset because of my words. Ultimately, I conveyed to her that if that is what she wants, she is going to have to work for it, without me telling her as much.
Originally Posted by sandi2
At what price? I mean, that's your business, but you've just told your W that she can continue screwing OM2 and you'll accept it b/c you don't want a D. So now, she's going to turn the heat up. If you thought your self respect was in the tanker before.......just brace yourself buddy.
Like I've said, men with NGS have trouble staying balanced. Remember me cautioning you about swinging too far the other direction? You said you were trying to soften your stance.......well, congrats b/c you've just become about as weak and soft in her eyes as it gets. No, you should never tell a WW that you agree to stay M while she lives with another guy. You are saying you'll put up with anything, b/c you don't want a D.
Sandi, she is going to screw OM2 now regardless of what I say or do right now. Me drawing the line will not change anything. As far as she is concerned we're separated and she can damn well do whatever the crap she wants, including OM2. In her eyes this MR died a long time ago and she is free to move on. She has told me there is no way we're getting back together. If I tell her that I will not be with her while she is with OM2 right now, chances are high that she will say that we're not together and the marriage is practically over without signing the D papers. If that is her mindset, me telling her about my boundary of not staying M is going to make her dig into OM2 even more. I just feel that is her thinking right now. If we start rekindling things again and discuss a reunion, yes. That will be a major boundary that I will outline and need to enforce. But for now, all it is to her are empty words that will make her speed towards divorce.
I just feel that I have better chances of turning this around while we're still legally M. I feel that my chances drop significantly once D is formalized. I know that folks have R long after their D. Latest example is Joe2017. But I'm not Joe. I'm not anyone else who was able to R with their WS after D.
I am putting up with this, simply because now other parts of my life are so great that I can take my mind off of this sitch and focus on my happiness. I have more good things going on than bad. And the sitch I'm in is a major bad. But a lot of little goods are overtaking this. I guess in some crazy way I have built a tolerance towards her behavior.
As Steve85 once told me, it should get to a point where anything WS does rolls off like water on a duck's back. I am getting to that point. Yes, I have dips and I cry. Last week I did just that. Then I pick myself back up and keep focusing on things that I can control. Things that are making me happy. Things that are satisfying my life. I am getting attention from a lot more women now. Not to the point where they are giving me their numbers, but they are engaging with me and show some signs of interest.
Lastly, if you go through my posts in September and October, I told you all that I saw signs of her coming towards me. I did not make much of it and reminded myself that unless she is showing remorse that any behavior coming out of her is suspect. I see now that while it was not true remorse, she was making efforts of creating a new bond with me and possibly getting to that point. I snuffed that out when D4 told me about WW's disrespect and the emails.
Or maybe it was all wishful thinking in my head. I don't know.
