We do not hear much from the other side of this, so apologies for so much interest. I do feel for you and what you are facing.
I am not clear on the timeline of your situation. 9 years together before BD. Broke up after 2 years of H living with OW after his Dad’s death. I imagine a fair bit of time in affair before this 2 year stretch. A few other short term things in the last few years. You mention he has reached out “after all these years”. So, overall a significant time frame.
He has apparently awakening, sorry and wished these events never happened, and is in therapy.
You are opened up to a world of hurt.
Originally Posted by Wave22
question one for you all, is this healthy to find out the truth?
A thoughtful and relevant query, especially regarding a healthy continuation of your own path.
You have been through this for years and I am pretty sure you know and have seen a lot. The advice of don’t believe what they say and only half of what they do is still relevant. What are his actions showing and/or proving?
In answer to your specific question.
You are two different people at this point. You do not need to know what he has been up to, anymore than someone else you would date. His past and choices has made him who he is.
Anything he wants to share absolutely needs to be the truth! That is the only healthy option, speaking for truth vs untruth. It does not need to all be revealed at once, and most likely cannot. Him not talking about something, or being unable to, is ok, just don’t lie about it.
Eventually he, or someone else in your life, would share their past. None of us are baggage-free, something we all have to accept.
You speak of the world hurt that has been brought up. To me that shows you have feelings and care towards him, empathy. The fact that you didn’t just slam the door in his face, and reached out here - has some indicators within.
Originally Posted by WAve22
sorry and wished it never happened. he'd do anything to get me back.
My own projections and empathy pouring out here: It looks like you are interested in a relationship again. Friends maybe, more maybe.
He can’t get you back. You and he can only start again, at some level, if you wish too.
That is the most true answer I can give you.
Truth is absolutely most important, you just don’t need to know all of it.
I would love to hear your take on this, and more about your situation.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
