Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

I got my new car today. Kids like it, nothing fancy. Got it for reliability. That's one major thing off the list. The finance guy questioned my credit score though. Apparently when I was on the mortgage with the W and they ran my credit, that caused my credit to dip about 80 points or more pending on who you use for the score. That was a major shocker. Lucky W and I agreed to take me off early when we still had paperwork drawn. Few car payments and the guy said my score should shoot back up. I have no debt. I don't use credit cards. W has one with my name on it and I never use it. I can imagine some saying I should get that taken care of quickly. In due time. Who knows, I think W may have already cancelled the one I am on, if that's possible.

I caught myself talking about how good W is with finances to try and support reasons why I do or don't do stuff like its centered around her. Then I caught myself trying to offset this by saying something negative about her, as if I needed to balance what I said about her being good and bad.

Due to these circumstances with getting the new car, this is a setback on my move-out date. I hadn't communicated any of that with her so I like to think I have some freedom to decide in that department.

I'm catching myself talking about feelings as if they were resolute and never changing. If anything, as for understanding goes, I am understanding better that these feelings are not permanent and when I say I might do something because I have been feeling this way or that way for a long time, that could change the next minute or next day. Someone said it to be very early on in my posting that it may not be days, but weeks or months. I am understanding better. I am experiencing it and not just knowing of it intellectually.

My next thing tomorrow is to go over my list of what I need to discuss with the attorney. Check the car and make sure everything is okay with it. Then get a haircut, waiting 3 weeks gets it looking like a porcupine.

FS, I hear you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know no matter how good I think I'm feeling now, some of that is because I still have my children with me where I can reach out to them and kiss them or hug them or tell them I love them. I try not to think about the future because that causes feelings today, feelings that shouldn't be here. I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, I think the more I am subjected to something, over time I should get used to it and become numb to it. The other, I think I am kidding myself because some pain will never go away, and it's probably just best to avoid looking for that kind of pain at all cost. My kids are my weakness. I grew up without a father, I had a very bad, physically abusive step-father in my life for a short while but the things he was capable of doing to people and the hurt... anyways. Part of who I am is trying NOT to be that guy. I think when I talk about things, because I haven't shared my past, I see its easy to come up for me and it lingers inside of me. Then I think if I shared it out with the world, there is no longer a need to speak on it, its out alrdy. I don't know... maybe one day when I find it the right time, I'll find a suitable IC. I just don't think its best for right now... of course there's no merits to base that on, just my feeling.

I know I will spiral when I am alone, I just don't know how bad. I want to embrace it, I want to work out extra hard. I want to really do something alone. I don't want to run, I don't want to hide, dodge, have people around me while my mind is on the kids. That would do no good. The best way is through it as you've done. I should set aside some time to be alone and meditate. I've been at peace before. I hope to have strength for it, I really do.

My kids are S11 and S6. Both lefties like dad.

You said it best when you said being a parent is putting aside your feelings to protect theirs. I am on the fence when it comes to showing emotion. Because they're kids they don't understand so we do have to protect them, but when they get older, as you have said, you want to show them your true emotions to show them its okay to feel them. They are allowed to feel sad if mommy is sad. What we shouldn't do is project our hurt onto them to punish them or the other spouse. I think this gets mixed up with people. They send the poor kids as little messengers of pain between each other. So sad.

R2C, thanks... it was a scare, first time experiencing the car locking up like that and it was in heavy morning traffic too.

I assume W will throw the pictures away to help her cope with her new life.
I am going to tell her that I want to keep them but I don't want to explain why except that I can hold on to them for our kids when they get older.