Ok update. I picked up my wife from the hospital yesterday after her endoscopy and drove her home. We had polite convo in the car. Even though she expects me to help her with the baby after her surgery which is probably in a month or two. That I can do. We talked about finances again and I even brought up the idea of a custodial plan for our son. It turns out she was looking into doing the same thing with the same app, as well as looking into dividing the finances equitably the separation which I was doing as well. I did mention that maybe Sunday we all three of us can go out together to Hibachi and she seemed open to that.
I reassured her that I'm glad that she's doing what she's doing if it's going to make her happy and get her back to her skinny independent confident self what makes her feel sexy. She was really emfatic on how glad she was about me supporting her doing this. We even talked about her new exercise program in yoga that I might be trying out as well. I'm currently drawing up my own exercise regimen for myself. When we talked about finances, the day prior I told her that we should get the house on the market within the year and sell it since that's what she wanted to do initially. now she's telling me because of both our credit scores we probably should probably stay in the house for another year. I mentioned that I want to get out of the house now focus on myself and get an apartment eventually but I guess we both can't do it. I also was considering tapping of my retirement again to pay down some of the debts so we had a little more wiggle room. Frequently I've been bring up the conversation of dividing our time and coming up with boundaries and time tables and stuff as far as watching our son. I stated that I like to be there in the house for our son, but I also nred time to focus on my own stuff. I made the mistake of saying to her I'd like to be there for her and our son, I meant it in the context after her surgery for our son sake, but she took it as " you don't have to worry about me I can handle myself" so I just let it go.
I'm really towing a fine line between letting her feel what a single mom life is and doing stuff for herself rather than me doing it for her by setting boundaries. I'm really stuck in my own head between doing things The Godly way and detaching and doing things that divorce busting way. There's so many things that I've learned that is causing me to think in many different ways. sometimes when I'm around her I'm so cool, collected and detached other times I feel very anxious and I get like performance anxiety is like how do I respond differently to things and situations. I'm trying my hardest to be less impulsive than more thoughtful in my thoughts before carrying out my actions. She has always been polite and cordial with me. I don't want to be in the friend zone with her. I know I got to work on me and handle my own stuff if she's ever going to be attracted to me again.
This morning I came upstairs after the baby got up, and I asked her what time would she would like me to take her out to get her car at the hospital since we talked about it yesterday on the ride home.. She wanted to wait until 11am to get her vehicle. Because I have so much stuff to do, clean the basement, garage, house, fix car, etc, I kind of responded that going forward there needs to be precedence and boundaries. I would help with the baby, and work with her on the finances, etc, that it shouldn't be expected of me to always do things for her out of expectation going forward, and if I do decide to do anything, its because I want to, not because I have to. I told her her mother can take her to get her vehicle, and I will watch the baby.
The wedding rings have come off. The last two days I was seriously considering getting my paperwork, finances and custodial and schedule plan in order. I was close to pulling the trigger on the divorce because I don't want to be in limbo and strung along for breadcrumbs. I know I want respect because I deserve it, and I deserve a relationship of open honesty and integrity, vulnerability and intimacy. I always figured it was a persons best asset. We were always very open with one another about everything recent 5 months. Now the walls are up. So decided to take a step back, and let my emotions calm down. Im teeter tottering between being aloof, and creating distance intentionally, and trying to do it without being an a hole, but I just don't want to do it at a risk of abandoning, but I know I need to let her feel that space, and give her exactly that without my emotional attachment. I think we are both slowly just starting to transition towards independence from co dependence, and she is a head of me in that sense. But I'm a head of her in the curve if what she is going through because of DB and other materials.
I know that the best thing to do is focus in me, what I can control, what I can change, andcwgat I have the power in to show up and bring to the table. I get that this is psychological attraction game, and a game of independence and self confidence for both individuals, and realize the reasons she lost attraction for me, and what I need to do to get that back for myself and regain more self autonomy. I was reading Men are from Mars Women Venus When Mars and Venus Collide. It was a book her and I bought when we first dating that we actually had autographed 12 years ago by John Gray himself to both of us. Wonderful book which gives it a lot of insight on how men and women react and respond to different things, different stresses in life, dynamics, etc, and touched upon attraction and the current falted dynamics of relationship and stressed in modern times.
I still feel like I'm walking the high wire of balancing what I need to do, GAL, Detachment, self focus, and managing being around the house with her and the baby, in a seperated sense. Its difficult. In doing my best to remain emotionally neutral, and stay in the present moment, moving forward, thinking forward, learning from mistakes and not guilting myself over them, and not the past. I knowvi need to be the rock, the emotionally stronger one, TCB, introspect, do things for me, etc. I'm going to be going to some meetup groups soon.
Change, purpose and focus has always been really hard for me unless I'm alone alone. If this was just a BF/GF senario, and not a family husband/wife split it would be easier for me to be alone and focus more. I want to let her go, because I don't like what I see which is someone that doesn't romantically love me back anymore. I would rathere just have it one way or the other, either move forward, or move on. The thought of a loved one parking us in relationship limbo pisses me off and is disrespectful, but on the other hand, I understand this is her journey, and I shouldn't take it personally. I get that I'm giving her too much power over me in present moment, and I need to do me, find and focus on my purpose and that's that. Its a transition. I can't just turn it on and off like a light switch. My mojo Wil be returning soon I'm sure.
