I believe now, as I did when I first joined, that my marriage can be saved. Some days I feel this more than others. I see the kindness, the small gestures .... and the little flame of hope shines a little brighter, then he does something that draws me away again. I believe it is the same for him. We draw a little closer, than pull a little apart. Fear of the past. Fears for the future. So we live in our present - we see each other daily, co-parent our children in as positive way as possible and do nice things for one another .. .so, in a word, we are still in limbo.
I think your marriage can be saved too FS. I have always thought that your H is still uncertain despite what he says. His actions speak louder than words. He is still married to you and doesn't seem to want to change that. You and your girls see him more than I saw my H when we were together. Keep doing what you are doing. At the very least, you are saving yourself.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I have put my rings back on. Quietly, with no fanfare and no expectation that he will do the same. He has not mentioned it and he has not put his back on.
I don't think this is a bad thing. It sends a message that you are open to R but your GAL activities send the message that you are also prepared to move forward without him. And it is you being true to yourself which I don't think is ever a bad thing.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I was in the car with my H and the children the day after the incident and I told the children that when mummy and daddy first met that mummy would fall over all the time, and they both laughed and told me that that was what daddy had told them the night before. H and I had a bit of a laugh about all the times I fell over back when we first started dating. it felt like the early days when he found my clumsiness endearing and not a character fault. That was when I decided to put my rings back on.
This is what hurts the most, I think. Not having that kind of connection anymore. I am really happy for you that you got to have the moment with your family...even in the midst of all this. It is a gift.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I do not feel closer to him today than I did when I last posted. I do feel more authentic though. Oh, and I negotiated a 10% pay rise at work ... which I think is worth celebrating (on my own eating ice cream, watching TV, waiting up just in case D9 wants me to come pick her up :))
Yay for you!!! Definitely worth celebrating!!! The raise and your feelings of authenticity. Can't put a price on that last one.
My entries are becoming fewer and more far between and I think this is a sign that I am less and less affected by the 'slings and arrows' of my sitch. My life is on a much more even keel - apart from the drinking which is a little out of hand. GAL in england seems to be centered around standing in bars, shooting the breeze and drinking copious amounts. I had hoped to settle down a little in Jan but as the project I am working on is closing down there are a lot of people leaving ... which means a lot of leaving do's to attend.
I wonder sometimes how I would have been if my H had not left. Would I have still gone to the leaving do's, would I have enjoyed them so much, would I have drank so much. I would have gone to some but left early (someone mentioned the other day that when I use to go out I was always nervously watching the clock), I would have enjoyed them but been thinking about home, I would not have stayed so late or drunk so much.
I have a life now, but I am not sure I like this life so much.
I went out monday night with a buddy for a quick drink. Nothing heavy, just two drinks and then home. I was supposed to go to dinner with the boy but he bailed because he had an interview the next day and wanted to swot for it. We are friendly now but not flirtatious like we were before we slept together. Tuesday and Wednesday I came home and hung out with the kids and last night I went to one of the guys in the office leaving drinks. I came home, barely able to walk, at around 1:30.
Work is going well. The project is live and we are now doing sweep up. It is very chaotic, so much has, and will go wrong, and there is a new problem to solve everyday. I prefer chaos (I am not one to panic) and am thriving in the craziness. Weird. But true. I am sure it will settle and I will become bored and be looking for a new job.
D12 is home again today. She was crying this morning about not being able to find her leggings. I lost my temper (we were due to leave in 5 minutes and she was still in her PJ's) and then felt bad so we had a long chat. She said she knows she is always sad or mad and doesn't know why. By this time she had got herself into quite a state, so I told her she could stay home.
When I told H that I had kept her at home we had the first argument we have had in ages. He said I should force her to go to school, I should make her get organised before bed, I should make her wake up earlier. I got very defensive and said that I have done all those things, but other than stand over her whilst she gets her stuff ready before bed or stand next to her whilst she gets ready in the morning, there is not much else I can do. His daughters has emotional problems and he still wants to say it is because she is disorganised and hormonal. And it is all MY FAULT. Being a 12 year old girls is tough, but it is not normal to cry EVERYDAY over nothing.
I think the D12 thing has hit me harder than I thought. I started crying in the car yesterday as I took her to the doctors. As her physical symptoms seem to be related to tummy pains they want to rule out IBS so she needs a blood test done. I took her to the hospital to get it done and I started crying in the car. Not big heavy tears, just little silent ones. I think I managed to wipe them away before she noticed, but she's pretty perceptive, so she might have seen. I know I have not always handled D12 as well as I could have. Sometimes, like when we are all waiting to walk out the door, and she comes down and says she can't find her top/jeans/hairband/homework and then after my suggesting and her refusing a bunch of alternatives, I raise my voice at her and she ends up crying. Frustration on my part definitely. But every time this happens, I look back and wish I had handled the situation differently.
I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts between my H and MIL. We are on a chat as my MIL said she never knows which one of us to contact about the children so easier to contact both of us. MIL is taking D12 out today for a nanny / granddaughter day and H is picking D12 up after. She said we should all go over and she will cook dinner. H replied that he needs to be back at the flat at 6 so assume he is going out. Whilst reading it it hit me that he is probably going out on a date. That familiar pain in my chest. Maybe it's because my energies are low due to D12 but the thought of him with someone else still hurts me. I am glad I am not going to see him now until 11 (when he picks up D9) because I need some time to settle my emotions. I was going to go to MIL with them but I think I will spend the day on my own. Space and time.
Sometimes limbo feels OK. Sometimes it feels like purgatory.
sounds like you need a ((( ))) It seems like when these minor life challenges come along, they all come along at once. And that's when we realise that we are dealing with them alone.
You're right; British culture is focused on binge drinking. Through my work I know what a problem alcohol is in our society. It's massive and pretty much ignored, probably due to the money it raises through taxes. I've been a non drinker for 30 years so I know all too well the pressure put on when socialising.
So, can you tell everyone that you are doing 'dry February' for health reasons and still go to the events? When these events subside, what else do you fancy doing to replace them.
So daughter needs some help being organised. First though, has this always been the case? Could there be an element of dyspraxia, or do you think it is a combination of age, situation and raging hormones?
I would have a chat with her. Explain that you are sorry and feel bad when you get mad at her and that you'd like the two of you to think of some practical solutions together. She might need to set her alarm earlier and she might need to get in the habit of packing her bag and getting her clothes out before she goes to bed. Perhaps get one of those wipe boards for her room, divided into days so that she can put her activities on it and what she needs for those. I'm just wondering if she feels a lack of control because of what is happening and it might help. Or she could set them as reminder on her phone / ipad if she has those things to remind her the night before. You may have done all these things already of course. It's a problem that you can own together so make her part of the solution.
It's ultra hard on you but she may just need constant reassurance. It must all be very confusing for a girl probably on the brink of womanhood. I can't remember how much the girls have asked questions but maybe she has some new ones.
On a final note. You are a fantastic Mum. Believe me, some of these problems would have occurred whatever your domestic situation. I was like a wailing banshee some mornings whilst my 3 fought about where their favourite rugby socks were and a brother must have pinched them. I once told middle son that I refused to go in his room to get his washing as it was like a bomb site. He just shrugged his shoulders and still didn't bring his washing. So I stood my ground until I saw him going to school in the same shirt all week with stains under the armpits and a tide mark round the neck.
Thanks Yorkie - your advice, as always, is well appreciated. Being 12 is tough, I know, I was a 12 year old girl once, but it just hurts so much to see her in pain. And then thinking I am adding to her pain, well, that just cuts me up completely.
I have tried asking her to get organised before bed but it doesn't help. She goes to her room, tells me its done, and then in the morning says "I forgot I had a footie game and someone's hidden my shin pads". I do like the alarm clock idea. She is not allowed her phone in the evenings anymore (we thought that she was spending too much time on it) but will go out and get her one of those old fashioned alarm clocks today.
We are sorting out a counsellor for her so that might help. She doesn't like talking about it "I'm fine", "leave me alone" but maybe a third party might help.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
So daughter needs some help being organised. First though, has this always been the case? Could there be an element of dyspraxia, or do you think it is a combination of age, situation and raging hormones?
In the past, I have always organised stuff for her. I would sit down and do her homework with her at night, pack her bags for the next day and put her clothes out. When she started high school (round about the same time as BD) it became harder to keep track of what she had at school everyday so we started letting her do stuff for herself. It was hard for her. One day having everything sorted for her, then suddenly, having to do it all for herself. But she coped. Once a week we would have a mini breakdown, but nothing unusual. Now it is an every day occurrence and it is accompanied with tears.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I'm just wondering if she feels a lack of control because of what is happening and it might help.
For me this is definitely it. It isn't just the moving out, it is all the change happening around her at once. Moving from a tiny primary school where everything was done for her to a large high school where she didn't know anyone and the expectations are so much higher (she goes to a grammar), her body changing, her father moving out, suddenly going on holidays without me, my going on holidays without them, my going out so much when I was always home etc etc etc. All this is change, and she can't control it.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I was like a wailing banshee some mornings whilst my 3 fought about where their favourite rugby socks were and a brother must have pinched them. I once told middle son that I refused to go in his room to get his washing as it was like a bomb site. He just shrugged his shoulders and still didn't bring his washing. So I stood my ground until I saw him going to school in the same shirt all week with stains under the armpits and a tide mark round the neck.
Wailing banshee is a good description of me some mornings. I know it's normal to have these stresses, and if she just shrugged her shoulders then maybe I would not feel so bad. It is the tears and the look of helplessness I can't cope with.
Oh, and there would be hell to pay if my H ever found out that i'd sent either of my kids to school in unclean clothes. Some mornings when he comes to pick them up, he will look at their shoes, see scruff marks, tell me I need to be more organised, then shine them for the kids. I've known him to ask them to change shirts because there was crease marks on the ones they were wearing. I just stand there feeling inadequate. He really is a [censored].
Amazing how he lives with his own current inadequate behaviour what with him being such a criticising perfectionist (bet that was politer than what you put) Mine was much more subtle than that if he noticed imperfections. He mostly didn't notice because it was my domain and he was out doing his own thing. However, one of the boys commented that they know that I protected them from his criticisms and high expectations. He could get himself into an eye bulging rage over the most idiotic of things and often accused me of having too 'laissez -faire' an attitude to the boys. Well it turned out really bad. Not. They are kind, loving, emotionally intelligent men who are very successful in their chosen paths. I only had 2 rules really; whatever career you decide to do in life is absolutely fine if it makes you happy and you don't lie to your mother!
I'm sure having someone to talk to will help and the fact that you recognise where it's coming from will make a difference. Would it be a negative thing to help her with some of the organising again, for a short time just to get her over this hiccup? Just give her little tiny bits of extra self responsibility slowly? I don't think you will ruin her.
If your H is anything like mine, he easily sees faults in others (and is quick to criticise them) but fails to see them in himself. He has a negative thing to say about everyone but he never says it to them - just to me because, like all narcissist, he has a pathological need to be liked.
I have protected nannies, cleaners, piano teachers, coaches etc from his 'they haven't done [whatever] properly'. When it is serous, he will moan and moan and then eventually tell me that I need to talk to them. I will do the conflict side, and then he will come in to 'clear the air' with them.
I went out Thurs and our nanny said he seemed surprised I wasn't in when he called the girls that evening. I basically ran out the door when he came over this morning as he was late and I had planned brunch with a girlfriend. When I came home I said I wasn't coming to MIL's with them. He shrugged his shoulders and went to leave. He barely said goodbye. I had to call out "Bye H" as he walked out the door. This is what he wanted (co parents) and now he is acting like a sulky child. Unbelievable.
Sadly FS, totally believable. You've enough on dealing with the actual children in your life. Continue to leave him to stew in his own juices. He'll either come out cooked and delicious or totally inedible.
I second what Yorkie said. Not sure what is worst... being vocally critical or keeping your thoughts to yourself and allowing resentments to build. Neither are good...but at least the first one is honest. I hope that if your H comes back, that he is able to make some changes in that regard. If he isn’t, do you really want to live that way? You are such a strong, confident, capable woman... you deserve someone who is admiring of those qualities instead of being intimidated by them. (((HUGS)))
My entries are becoming fewer and more far between and I think this is a sign that I am less and less affected by the 'slings and arrows' of my sitch. My life is on a much more even keel - apart from the drinking which is a little out of hand. GAL in england seems to be centered around standing in bars, shooting the breeze and drinking copious amounts. I had hoped to settle down a little in Jan but as the project I am working on is closing down there are a lot of people leaving ... which means a lot of leaving do's to attend.
It's good that you are aware that maybe the drinking is getting out of hand. It's good to GAL, but be careful that it isn't becoming dangerous. I think you mentioned falling down from being drunk in an earlier post and now you mentioned you were barely able to walk. I've gotten drunk 2-3 times since BD, but it's been in a relative's or friend's home. Maybe find a more constructive hobby.
