I think the D12 thing has hit me harder than I thought. I started crying in the car yesterday as I took her to the doctors. As her physical symptoms seem to be related to tummy pains they want to rule out IBS so she needs a blood test done. I took her to the hospital to get it done and I started crying in the car. Not big heavy tears, just little silent ones. I think I managed to wipe them away before she noticed, but she's pretty perceptive, so she might have seen. I know I have not always handled D12 as well as I could have. Sometimes, like when we are all waiting to walk out the door, and she comes down and says she can't find her top/jeans/hairband/homework and then after my suggesting and her refusing a bunch of alternatives, I raise my voice at her and she ends up crying. Frustration on my part definitely. But every time this happens, I look back and wish I had handled the situation differently.
I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts between my H and MIL. We are on a chat as my MIL said she never knows which one of us to contact about the children so easier to contact both of us. MIL is taking D12 out today for a nanny / granddaughter day and H is picking D12 up after. She said we should all go over and she will cook dinner. H replied that he needs to be back at the flat at 6 so assume he is going out. Whilst reading it it hit me that he is probably going out on a date. That familiar pain in my chest. Maybe it's because my energies are low due to D12 but the thought of him with someone else still hurts me. I am glad I am not going to see him now until 11 (when he picks up D9) because I need some time to settle my emotions. I was going to go to MIL with them but I think I will spend the day on my own. Space and time.
Sometimes limbo feels OK. Sometimes it feels like purgatory.
