I didn't want to say one step forward, then two back because that slowly puts you going in the other direction(unless this describes it better with each attempt making it that much harder, putting more distance between you and your goals).
Yoyo... here, you're at a point, but you take steps back and then try to get back to where you previously were. Then you go back and now you don't see the traction or forward progress. Even if you do make progress its down the same road you been before, catching up to back where you were.
LIke going to MC, after going can either of you say it was really productive for either of you? IF not, then there is no forward progress right? Both of you could keep going but there has to be some sort of benefits from it or what's the point. I say that loosely because I haven't gone to any counseling. I do know my W mentioned it, but I also feel like she said it to reel me back in to see if I would be interested in her if she said she would make effort. Yeah, that's a good one. Get what I mean?
I like how you are challenging her comments. Don't let her try to get away with that. Maybe next time you beat her to the punch. instead of you saying yes this and that happened but YOU ____, you can say something like I know it wasn't perfect to begin with and I chose to _____. Except its about you and your positive choices to do the right thing. OR... what does your W mean by in the beginning it was bad. Has all of that been addressed and can it die somewhere? Did the MC address that?
I don't think your sitch is a weird one, I remember reading it in the beginning and know no one thinks its cheating. Her parents are trying to help her cover up. I know I may be missing pieces of the story though.
You want the MC to know about the back and forth between you and OM I take it?
How can you work with MC to break through to W?
Do you want MC to be on your side and find some way for W to see the error of her ways? Do you really think W will see that from another person? MC should help you two to connect and establish a bond so you two can break through to each other. ( I don't think taking sides will work, she may run or quit if she senses it coming)
I just wonder if there are better ways to the approach for you. I read somewhere and I don't want to mix this up with trying to strategize but I've seen it used in a positive way, you have to play their game. I think a highly experienced DB'er would know the pitfall, traps, and common mistakes and know what to avoid so it doesn't leave to speculation on anyone's part. What I'm saying is that when you act or say something can you predict the outcome? Can you predict how that would make her feel? Do you know what you want her to feel? Let's say your wife is "trying" to come clean in her own way before really admitting to anything. She's taking the first steps in her own way, but she sees you squirming over there and then worse you blurt out something against her. What do you think she will do after that? i'd be inclined to ball up and say nvm, this isn't worth it. I'm alrdy dealing with guilt and this is hard and he's making it worse. just saying... now if you think she is playing around and is putting in half ass effort just to say she tried, let her. don't interrupt. let the MC take over that. I think same rules apply to not make them say or feel that you are the reason it didn't work.
Be patient, be loving, use that attracting with honey stuff ppl talk about. Can you ever put the pain aside and talk to her to see what she needs or wants or are you dealing with someone who doesn't know? If so, what is the point of MC or trying for recon atm? this is not a question so that you don't go. just to think about. what are you expecting or needing to get out of it, and if you don't? Do you look at the MC or do you look at your wants/needs to make sure they are right first? It's like when people are asked why they are wanting to initiate D, people here want to make sure they are in the right mind before doing anything like that.
Do you consider this a lapse and how does DB handle lapses lovingly?
all the above is under a certain context of lovingly wanting to recon with honest and open communication, not being afraid and knowing when to take action for the betterment of the relationship and not based off emotion, no blame game, no siding or wanting to use MC to validate your own feelings. Its to build the bridge between W and you.
If you can not control your emotions of resentment, you're going to be blinded by your emotion. Some little effort of hers may not go recognized. Once you fail to do that, you will fail to see other small steps. You will fail to see her building her side of the bridge to you. Separation will not be for her, but to also help you to clear your mind of that. Maybe to really miss her and do work on yourself to put your own selfish emotions aside. I challenge you to do that now because I'd probably do anything to be in front of a MC with my W now. By that I mean anything as for changing my own self and most of it is emotional control. I WOULD NOT BE in front of MC if wife was not genuine.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
