Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Drove to work this morning in the cold daylight and didn't notice the liquid in the drive way. On highway with thermostat on H. Car locked up, power steering went out, and brakes acting janky. Almost careened into a column but managed to safely pull into the right lane of the underpass. Busted gasket, a few other issues, and costs more than value so now looking for a replacement car. (Didn't make the dinner tonight with coworkers but that's okay)

W had offered when she got home to lend me 5k. I declined. She got mad and left the study. It was nice of her, but I told her I got it. (I could do some mind reading here, but I don't think it would serve any purpose. I know there is still hurt between us and she knows if I have it bad on my end its because of the split, and I'll be stubborn enough not to get her help, I don't want it. That's why she said it wasn't just for me, it was for the kids too and I just declined.)

Past week I scheduled my lawyer consult for this upcoming week.

Again I typed out so much crapola about my past, I think it's to justify something but I don't know what or why. I think somewhere it's the NGS looking for some type of validation like I want to be heard or there is a deeper issue or reason for me being the way I am. I also think it just feels good to type everything out as if to my W or just for my own self to get my feelings out there.

Something is on the back of my mind. Pictures... I wasn't planning to keep my wedding album or pictures of me and her or our family but I think that's a little extreme. What if the boys grow up and wanted to see or share their history of mom and dad. What have you felt about that? I could keep them but not place them up. Between W and I, she has no attachments to items. No heirlooms or keepsakes. We never had a family album made. Everything is online. You know what, I've made my decision. I'm keeping some but not putting them up. Maybe storage. At first thought I was like naw, I'm not keeping nothing, but I've sat on it and am okay with this decision. We have a few pictures of us together when we were younger. The one that used to be on my desk sits in a drawer. I am not throwing it away. Even if I was to ever re-marry, I'd give them to the kids. It's for that reason only, I think. Feelings are hazy on this one, and its still new.

Along with the car going bye-bye, my pc is starting to freeze and my i-pad is starting to have the battery drain quickly. This is a sign to save all the password I have on my phone to paper somewhere because that will be next.

I've been listening to Black Label Society all day while hunting for a new ride. Choices, choices. The music could have gotten me emotional, but I do not want to go there so stopped letting it affect me in that way. If I would have allowed myself, I think I could have cried but I don't want to. I don't want to cry anymore over this or be sad in the way where I'm letting it. If anything, it's going to have to surprise me and when that happens I'm going to adjust. It's a slow conditioning.

After I replaced a garage door roller in the garage, I asked W if she was taking the kids out this weekend for anything and she told me her schedule. I told her I was planning to take the kids out to dinner Saturday night and said if she wanted to go with us she could.

I haven't taken them to school in a while or picked them up because of traffic. 3 lanes got closed down to 2 and it's a nightmare. W has a little more freedom at work to leave earlier like today she got home around 3:30 and worked from home. I work a pretty rigid schedule, working in the medical field(edited to rephrase, I work for a large hospital system, clerical) and I can't take off on a whim.

Someone aske me before I think if I was spiritual or religious. I was raised Pentacostal but stopped going to church. I have two brothers who were severely brainwashed into thinking everything was placed solely on God and blamed him for the things happening to them. My W is Catholic but she doesn't have a connection with God and we don't go to the church. I did promise to raise my sons Catholic, but I don't know about converting over. I have put some thought into it. I need communion.

I've checked out videos about having similar values with the W like being Christians. I'm going to slowly think about this hard. There may be no point for me to stand if what I am standing for is always going to be a straw house over quicksand. W is partly right in that we were young. I didn't grow up on my own and I never looked at life like I do now.