Today hasn’t been as acute in terms of thinking about W or our sitch, but I’ve thought about it a bit more than yesterday. It’s not the sharp, emotional stabs that it has been—more of a dull ache, than an acute one.
At home waiting on carpet cleaning guy to swing by and clean up some of the mustiness of the carpet from last week’s great kitchen flood—W is picking up the boys today.
Still not feeling great. I hope it’s not a physical manifestation of depression—I keep wondering if all this is in my head, and then I cough, or I feel the sore throat, and I realize, yeah maybe this isn’t all in my head. Mostly just body aches—like someone clubbed me with a 5-iron or something. My mom wonders if I have the flu (I did get a flu shot back in October, and while it protects from a couple of strains, if you do get a strain that is not covered, it at least helps minimize what you do have so it’s not a full-blown flu).
Just as the body aches, so does the heart. I guess not only do I feel physically vulnerable, but also emotionally vulnerable right now. I would love the attention and affection of a good woman right now.
Being sick reminds me of the fact that I do want to be taken care of, to an extent. I don’t want to be mother-ed; but it would be nice to have a woman who expresses genuine care / concern for me. I keep going back to what W said in February when I threw out my back—“I wish I loved you enough to want to take care of you.” I wish I had someone who loved me enough to want to take care of me. I don’t want to be waited on—but the care and concern and attention and affection would be really really nice. And that’s what I miss right now. Hugs. Kisses. ILYs.
Of course I can think about how lonely W probably felt (and is currently feeling) because of what I’ve said or not said or done or not done—‘now you know how I feel.’ The thing is, is that W really wanted to take care of me in the past—she would have done anything for me, but that feeling by her is gone (at least for now). And I’ve taken care of her through her illnesses, 2 pregnancies, and a good amount of dental work.
What I need to focus on is myself and the boys—helping myself to feel better, and caring for them to the extent that I can. I’ve taken care of myself when sick before—I did it when I was single / unmarried, or when W has traveled for work, and I can do it again, though I’m not exactly relishing the thought. I need to focus on getting better and creating the best life possible for me and the boys.
The thought did occur to me earlier this afternoon, as I was walking around the condo—that though I very much right now miss the attention and affection of a good woman, that this is relatively temporary. Right now, it feels like this sitch will not end, and that there is no end in sight. But this will pass, in time—I’m getting one day closer to some sort of resolution, and I trust there will hopefully be a good woman by my side in the future (whoever she is), in sickness and in health. I know I shouldn’t get hung-up on the thought of having someone by my side (want versus need—I need to show contentment with my current state in life, I know), but this is just where I’m at right now.
