Lastly, and I think I will add this to the piecing thread, our perspectives of how many assaults he made on the M are quite different. I viewed my H as killing our M with a 1000 cuts -- every lie, deception, selfishness and hurt he caused -- and each one stung as much as the next. He does not see it that way! Yes, he feels remorse for each cut, but he did not see each as it's own intentional assault. He feels that this was one giant mistake and that these are all fragments of that, as they were all interconnected. You cannot have an A without lies and you cannot lie without hiding things and on and on .... I think I'm starting to really get it more now. Again, this has taken me years.
YES!!! You are exactly right. I think you are on to something big here, Blu. The WS apologizes for the A, and sees that as an all inclusive apology. Maybe this is where frustration comes from both sides. The betrayed spouse needs to hear individual apologies............say like, an apology for a certain text message, or a particular night the WS did not come home, for lying, etc..........and the wayward spouse is thinking, "Why do you continue to bring this stuff up, when I've already apologized?" In the WS's head, apologizing for the A has an umbrella effect that covers everything during that period of time.
When the WS apologizes, I think they just want to put everything behind them and for the MR to move forward. However, the LBS can't move forward until they have healing, and that healing may require more clarification and another apology from the WS. Not every WS and LBS fall under this description.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
