Still foggy, still going (Phoenix9 DB XI)

[Adam04]

P,

I wanted to share with you that I've gained so much weight in the last year and I sometimes can get down about it, but I really don't. I, for the most part of my life, have been 5'10 at 175 pounds very lean and toned. When I stopped smoking( which was cold turkey and no looking back), I gained an immediate 20 pounds. There were reasons why I kept the weight on and was okay with it as I gained it. My biggest I got prior to 5 months ago was 350 pounds. In the last year, I went from 260ish to 350. When I do my yearly yo-yo diets, I'd get down to 240 pounds size 40. no more beer gut. Then I'd gain it back and then some.

Okay so enough about the big weight, my point is that inward looking out, not seeing myself in the mirror, I've always seen myself as a 175 pound chiseled guy(is that crazy or what??). I've been a semi-heavy guy for years but never really let it bother me. I still had a lot of confidence until this last year. There were some times I let the weight get to me but it was around old friends who knew me as the 175 guy, but even then it was a temporary thought like oh my dudes will be making fun of me and it turns out they don't. At work, around people and many, many women I am comfortable with, the image in the mirror isn't there. I can tell you now that if I wanted to date at my weight right now at 280, I'd have zero problems if I chose to date some of ladies who know me for who I am. I've always been funny, confident, and charismatic. And I don't mean settling for the ugly.

I took a look at myself in the mirror just as you did and I was appalled. I was telling myself why don't I see myself like other people, like my W sees me. I don't want to get into a long drawn out explanation, but I was doing some self sabotaging with my weight gain because I had weak boundaries with women prior to marriage and I thought when I was married that I would break the once a cheat, always a cheat mentality by playing it safe and being unattractive with the weight gain. Seems like all that did was drive W away reading her romance novels but it didn't drive other people away who cared for who I was and not what I looked like. When you see yourself in the mirror, you're looking at yourself from someone else's eyes. They're not your own of how you are projecting outward so don't beat yourself up. This is conflicting because you're mind reading, projecting, and sabotaging. I don't know, I think its kind of vain too to try and look good for the mirror, but that's just my upbringing as a Pentacostal. Regardless, you have to be happy in the skin you're in. (don't get me wrong, I think no matter if its spiritual based or not, we all owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be in good health, in all aspects of that - mentally, physically, and emotionally)

My issue with weight gain is that it usually is indicative of other issues other than the obvious health ones. Like in my case, I was feeling safe because I thought if I was 175 and still who I was, I'd probably be tempted to stray. Weak mind, weak body. I've realized that everything is a choice. I was living in some major fear.

You ever wring a wet towel and see how it twists up so badly? That's how enmeshed I felt with my W. There were plenty good days, but there were some bad ones too that we both felt trapped, so wound up with each other that there was no escape. Relearning to live as two separate individuals again is scary, but welcomed.

I've been coming across information about the big (S)elf , little s, Big I, little I or mind, our true self and the other self with all the attachments... What I mean inward looking out, I reference this as your true self. My true self sees the weight as a thing that fluctuates and I can choose to pay it no mind at all. Like the D, our jobs, our sitch, one thing or event that occurs in our lives no matter how big or small, those things do not define us. Much of this is like outside noise. When you look into the mirror next time, don't think of your dad or W, don't bring the past to the present. Stare into your own eyes, see yourself for who you are, resilient, strong, much, much more than just the flesh. Let me know if you do this and feel like superman. Let me know who wins next time.

It's good to hear of others feeling the way I do. I know I am not alone, and I wanted to let you know you aren't either.