At that time, I pursued, pursued, pursued. Really pathetic. He's the one that had the affair! There's been plenty of additional indiscretions too that I since discovered. No wonder he says regularly that he doesn't understand why I would want him.
Why do I?
This is the question you really have to ask yourself. What would it take for you to actually want him back in your life? What would he have to do to really become a good candidate for you going into the future?
I say anything less than him getting intensive therapy for a year on his issues BEFORE dating you is not enough. He'd need lots of hardcore therapy to get at the root of his infidelities, he'd need to acknowledge all the pain he has caused, he'd need to be celibate while getting treatment and he'd need to woo you back AFTER getting his act together.
Is that all likely to happen? No, not really, given he's not doing any of that now. But should you settle for less? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
KML - thanks for stopping by. I have thought long and hard about this. I cringe how I just swept under the rug his infidelity, porn addition, and emotional neglect. I don't think he has it in him to do the intensive therapy he would need to make a good partner. I deserve a Great partner, and realize all I didn't do in our relationship that I could give in another one, and all I missed that I would need to make it great.. Whether the other relationship will be with someone else or a new one with H remains to be seen. I seriously have my doubts, and thoughts of being truly single pop up more frequently. I'm living single now, have been for 4 months, and so far I have a full life.
I'm going to do a lot of additional soul searching over the next few months and I feel like there will be some movement in some direction in the not too distant future.
A bit interesting to me that he's the mess, and I'm not. So, got me to thinking he really has been in limbo for a year, not really since he moved out. Probably even before BD. Wow! That's a long time to be in turmoil! I can't fathom why someone would live like that and not do anything about it. Well, not for me to understand, I guess.
The motivations of the MLCer are difficult to understand. In time you probably will be able to see this from “his” point of view. To me you seem to be someone who seeks understanding.
Limbo is not what he is in. Your are correct he is living in turmoil - the opposite of limbo.
If this helps, he is not choosing to live this way. This is a phycological problem from long ago trauma with him. He is not himself. He is driven to do this, it is beyound his control, or if you prefer beyound his ablitiliy to control. He is absolutely driven to run. He so needs to grow up and face his demons, but at the moment is unable.
This is the very heart of his situation - his problems, fears, unresolved trauma. He operates on full emotions, and is irrational - that is he will not think rationally.
His actions have thrust you on to a new path. Your situation, at the heart of it, is different than his. A common misunderstanding is to project our suffering on to what they are going through, or project our own healing and wonder why they cannot just do it.
Seeing all that, is the very spark and essence of compassion, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness.
You seem to be someone who seeks understanding. Compassionate understanding is a pretty good path.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Grace, you mention your faith a lot but I don't see you applying it to your understanding of what is happening.
In Rejoice Ministries, they always talk about how the enemy is not your spouse, it's the devil whispering those lies in your spouse's ear. That is why your spouse is in a constant state of confusion.
You mentioned that faith will bring you peace, and I agree. But faith in what? In God only? What about in what God can do? There is no way you can heal your H of addictions, adultery, depression, etc. But you can pray for him and give him to God. And you can uphold the vows you made to God. And you can say yes if, by God's work on him, your H returns.
I have been standing for over 5 years and my H just filed this fall. He seems to have gone back deep into the tunnel. Having an actual D staring me in the face did make me question a lot about what I was going to do -- e.g., I am forced to divorce against my will so that means I can enjoy the company of other men. I have been grappling with these kinds of things a lot but so far my faith is in God and in His promises and in the fact that He made marriage, he made me and he made my H. He made us perfectly. How do we return to Him when we turn our faces away from Him everyday? I think if you live absolutely in God's love for you and yours for God, you will not worry about what your H says or does. I have found this to be true. I am not able to believe that God loves me 50% of the time. The consequences are as expected.
Check out that site, Rejoice. I have learned a lot there about how to detach via faith. It allows you to detach by attaching yourself to God. Just detaching without that, I have found, allows me to get bitter or to forget my vows. When I get bitter or try to get around my vows, I feel totally enslaved. When I take the harder path, I feel free. This doesn't mean you shouldn't detach or let him go and GAL. You totally MUST do that. It's just a question of forgiving him, letting him go without bitterness or revenge, accepting that God has a plan for you.
Just a thought from Gerda to offer that perspective of standing. I need to hear that perceptive a lot myself.
Last edited by Gerda; 01/25/1911:07 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda – thank you for these words. It’s exactly what I needed to help re-focus. I have always been a Christian, and involved in the various churches I attended throughout the years, but that deep relationship with God is new to me. That becomes clear in my struggles, and I have to remind myself that HE is in control.
Originally Posted by Gerda
In Rejoice Ministries, they always talk about how the enemy is not your spouse, it's the devil whispering those lies in your spouse's ear. That is why your spouse is in a constant state of confusion.
I know this to be true. Satan has definitely found his target, and right now H does not have the armor to fight him off. I pray daily for God to give that to him.
Originally Posted by Gerda
You mentioned that faith will bring you peace, and I agree. But faith in what? In God only? What about in what God can do? There is no way you can heal your H of addictions, adultery, depression, etc. But you can pray for him and give him to God. And you can uphold the vows you made to God. And you can say yes if, by God's work on him, your H returns.
Another daily prayer for me is for God to give me patience while I wait for him to do his work. It is on his schedule, not mine. Thanks for the reminder that I need to trust He is working even when it seems to me he’s not.
Originally Posted by Gerda
I have been standing for over 5 years and my H just filed this fall. He seems to have gone back deep into the tunnel. Having an actual D staring me in the face did make me question a lot about what I was going to do -- e.g., I am forced to divorce against my will so that means I can enjoy the company of other men.
Five years is a very long time. But, I do hear stories of marriages repaired after that period of time. Sorry your H couldn’t. Even after just 4 months, and it happened after just 1 or 2, I get comments like “how long are you going to let this go on”, “you can’t live like that forever”, “you’ll find someone else”, etc. Gerda, you must have had to endure such comments throughout the years. What was your response? I too believe in my vows, and even reminded H when I saw him last that I still consider myself married (I still wear my wedding rings). I take my vows seriously (even if he didn’t). There is no way I would date while separated, and I too think it would be hard to start even after a divorce. I’m reminded of a college friend who said “Grace – you’re going to get married, I’m going to get married, and I could see us getting together if we both divorced”. All those years ago, many before I met my H, I told him “No, when I marry, it’s for life.” Of course the decision to stay married may be out of my hands, but I feel good that I’m able to keep those vows, and still have a full life while I wait patiently for God to do his work.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Check out that site, Rejoice.
I will do that today! Thanks for refocusing me Gerda!
I couldn't imagine standing for 5 years wow. I'm with you Grace, I took my vows serious and want nothing to do with a D but the W does... None of us thought we would ever be in this position but we are . I never thought i'd have to go through this or have to think about dating again. I want absolutely nothing to do with the entire thing but its out of my hands. I'm not sure how long I can stand. I love my w with all my heart and I promised my life to her, but when someone doesn't want to be with you anymore or so they say I just dont know how long i can stand.
Happy Monday! I always like the start of the week. Marks a time when I can start fresh once again, and have work and my other regular activities. Had a mostly pleasant weekend, but thoughts of my sitch crept in, and I felt down from time to time. And anxious. It didn't consume me by any means, so that is something.
So, in my pursuit to de-clutter and reorganize, I went through a whole bunch of photos yesterday. Mostly of my Hs family. I boxed them all up, and labelled it Hs family photos. Didn't take any out of frames, even. That box went into storage with the others I packed up when I cleaned out the closet a few weeks ago. Felt good to get that project done. I asked H so many times to go through them. Well, someday he will have to. I'm not!
H will be moving to another place this week, rented for 3 months. It will mark the start of month #5 out of the house. Month #13 when the problems really started, though. When I asked him to move out to find himself and figure out what he wants, I never anticipated him not doing that. Well, his journey.
But, I realize my journey hasn't been so bad. I've met new friends, reconnected with old friends, discovered new activities, continue to remain close to my kiddos, and feel at home at my new church discovering my faith.
After having a pretty good week, without to much angst, I find myself thinking way too much about H tonight. He's in a new place today, rented for 3 months. We only exchanged about 10 words via text in a week. I feel him drifting further and further away, and think D will happen sooner rather than later, but happen all the same. Sometimes I think I'm o.k. with everything, and I can ride it out for now because for the most part I AM happy and content. People even comment that I look happy.....
But, then satan rears his ugly head and tries to side-track me. So, I turn to my bible study, read some scripture I copied down that's helpful, try to keep busy, or journal. So, here I am. I've already done all the other things.....
I'm going to visit my kids tomorrow. Have a whole day planned. It will be nice to see them. Made a big mistake, though. I thought why not offer H the opportunity to see them too if he wished? So, I texted him informing him I was going to visit the kids and he was welcome to come if he wished. That was it. He never even bothered to respond. Maybe that's what put me in a funk. When I sent it I thought I had no expectations, except to think he will not want to come with. So why ask him at all? I don't know. Well, perhaps in my deep psyche I was hoping he would respond favorably? Who knows. Well, no 2x4s needed. I know that wasn't the thing to do. Anyway, now I'm glad he won't be going. It would have been an awkward 4 hours in the car along together. And I get my babies all to myself for a whole day!
I need to remind myself that I'm at peace when I turn my life over to God. I feel anxiety when I think about the outcome. That's trying to control the uncontrollable. Wasted energy.
I won't let this slip get me down. Back on track with living my life, and not worrying about H's life or even my M.
I remind myself to place my trust in God and ask for patience for Him to do his work.
After having a pretty good week, without to much angst, I find myself thinking way too much about H tonight. He's in a new place today, rented for 3 months. We only exchanged about 10 words via text in a week. I feel him drifting further and further away, and think D will happen sooner rather than later, but happen all the same. Sometimes I think I'm o.k. with everything, and I can ride it out for now because for the most part I AM happy and content. People even comment that I look happy.....
I haven't talked to my w in over 2 wks. shes gone , i dropped the rope ...
