Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

[BluWave]

I haven't specifically asked my H about his perspective on piecing, in terms of what he could contribute, because for whatever reason I feel that this is my private place. When we first come here as Newcomers we are advised to keep this site, and the book, to ourselves and not tell our S. He did find the site while we were going through some troubles a year ago, at which point I asked him to please respect my privacy, to which he said he would. So now it doesn't feel right for me to ask for his contributions. So perhaps I will add his perspective as I understand it. And a couple things came to mind today.

(from my response to Joe2017 today) Our perspectives of how many assaults he made on the M are quite different. I, the former LBS, viewed my H as killing our M with a 1000 cuts -- every lie, deception, act of selfishness and hurt he caused -- and each one stung as much as the next. He (former WH) does not see it that way! Yes, he feels remorse for each cut, but he did not see each as it's own intentional assault. He feels that this was one giant mistake and that these are all fragments of that, as they were all interconnected. You cannot have an A without lies and you cannot lie without hiding things and so on and so forth. He had dug himself deep into a hole with no one way out that felt safe or even possible.

I think this is important in piecing because both people should acknowledge the other's different perspective. For the former wayward, they must see that every cut caused additional pain. And when piecing starts, the triggers of each cut will come up, and sometimes multiple times. I think it best for him/her to simply listen, validate and even offer an apology. This is of course assuming that you have been approached with respect. On the flip side, it is equally important for the former LBS to realize that each cut was not an intentional assault on them or on the M. When feeling that one is a victim, it can be very hard not to see that your S was not hurting you intentionally, but more so they were on their own path. There were many lies and betrayals that accompanied my Hs A and each one hurt as it's own. I also am beginning to understand how in his eyes it was just one giant, messy mistake and most days he felt stuck and didn't even know how to fix it.

Blu