Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[IHCLACS]

You're right Steve the snooping stops here and now. I didn't snoop however to keep tabs on her, just for me to get all insecure. I'd did it to get a better insight of what the hell she's experiencing and thinking, and wanted to make sure I can anticipate any wild or crazy moves especially regarding child custody. My older brother got screwed really bad to the point where he was disabled because of his divorce and separation from his ex-wife. He actually made case law in New Jersey. I've also been cheated on and left for other people in extreme circumstances in the past so that's another reason why I keep tabs. I like to make sure if I'm the one who's going to get the screw it I'm going to screw them back harder by walking away ahead of time. I know it's a victim mindset and I need to ditch it. But everybody has dignity. But it's not so easy to walk away when you both have finances, a home, massive debts. Income fluctuation, house repairs for market, and a new. One year child toddler tied to you. So I'm in new to these murky waters, and it's pretty damn scary.


But I really didn't understand what my wife is trying to tell me and say to me, in their female language, and failed to read between the lines, and respond correctly for all these years. I do realize I need to take ownership for being selfish and self-centered at times, on certain matters in a lot of ways. I've always tried to make up for missed occaisions birthday cards or Mother's Day cards. I always try to be thoughtful, but not as thoughtful and preemptively planning as she has always been in the past. Money is just been really tight lately over the last two or three years. It appears I am to blame because of the lower fluctuating income, and lack of leadership. But she has no problem taking out 4 personal loans to consolidate most of our debts, and racks the credit cards back up again on meaningless things. I at least try to cut stuff to make the mortgage. She always criticize me for the smoking and the $ but yet she has no problem racking up a whole bunch of credit debt buying stupid stuff she doesn't need either.

I have taken her for granted in a sence, but it's not entirely my fault either, I'm not entirely responsible for her weight or her self esteem and happiness or sense of fulfillment in life. I have a lot of remorse and guilt over the things I did neglect though, and she knows this especially now I've realized it more and more and since she's distancing herself. I'm in the position of " too little too late why didn't you realize that years ago?" I allow my marriage to become complacent, apathetic, demanding, criticizing, and I take full accountability for that. She is right about a lot of things about me that I've become. But it's not entirely my fault either. She needs to take ownership for some things too like cleaning up after herself . I don't think she will consider her own faults at this point, She's too busy surviving and planning Her Fantasy reality and her new life every night. cheetah clean up the bedroom which of the first time I've seen her clean anything in there over a year and a half. all the sudden her dishes are done every morning instead of me doing them. As we are moving towards our in house separation February 1st all the sudden everything starting to become clean and organized around here again on her part.


I need to own up to as far as her taking the responsibility for the finances over the last nine years me being always in and out of work because of my trades, are probably not feeling fully provided for, me letting stuff go in her nagging me and me reacting to it, I guess she lost respect for me for all the ways I handled all of her pleas, and a lack of responsibility and Leadership on my part, at the same time criticized her for her flaws throughout the years. The demand for sex excetera excetera. I still think she's in MLC though.


I know I have to put my put my balls in front of me in a non-reactive non-confrontational indifferent and pleasant manner, and learn how to validate better in manner. I initially left the bedroom because I told her I didn't want to sleep next to someone that didn't have any romantic feelings for me. I wanted to let her feel that space. But I think after the last couple of years of me falling asleep on the couch on my phone, or in the basenent, she's probably used to the bed being empty. she complained over the last year or so that I only came to bed when I wanted sex in her perception. So it so probably more of the same behavior to her now that the bed is empty. Now I'm in a situation where I flip flopped so many times, shee'll probably see me as in incongruant, or trying to get s reaction out of her if I move back into the bedroom, but I really don't care. I'm in this mess because I let a lot of stuff around the house go for years. And me being in construction sometimes I come up short on money. but when I make extra I give it . She makes more than I do. our biggest disagreement is on the finances and how much massive debt we are in. in she wants to get rid of the house because all the mortgage payments but I don't look at it that way I see it as we have so much loan and credit debt because of her spending. She's also convinced that I'm bipolar and emotionally abusive and honestly after reading a book or two of her that can understand her point and how i acted like it be from one minute to the next on my life circumstances. But I'm not bipolar I've been twice tested before, I just have a mild learning impairment and general anxiety, and she knows this, the test was conducted when we first got married when I lost my job. but she didn't find a conclusive to her standards and she's a Behavioral Analyst for children. That I am definitely looking to change about myself and my behavior. I'm kind of just a loud guy who can be sweet but can also bark when he doesn't get what he needs sonetimes out of frustration. Especially when it comes to keeping the kitchen clean. Up until just this week I had to get up at 2 every morning just to clean up before I went to work. Her habits would always cost me my time and now that she's doing things for herself all the sudden everything is getting clean Like her letting the kitchen go and letting the messes pile up around the house. Because it's difficult for me to function and Chaos, abd she knows this. I always need really need to order and she never maintained it now the sudden she's motivated she's finding her new self. I guess you she lost all respect me when I stop tending to my needs around the house for a while cuz of our newborn, then maybe she fell into a minor depression but I never saw it. Butt she constantly going to just sit on the couch and watch reality shows all day and still does to an extent. She lives in a fantasy world, was fantasy people in a fantasy life because I guess she's gone so numb from being around here. so I guess she's dreaming big and trying to make things happen.

I'm a bit of a reactive person I know I have to change that, and get rid of the criticisms. back in the day I used to study a lot about attraction, and dating relationships dynamic and stuff from like David DeAngelo Ross Jeffries, etc. Pretty much the seduction community. But I only took my learning experience as far as her, and I guess I forgot that women never stop [censored] testing you as a man.

Most of her furniture is in the bedroom in the bed is hers as well she paid for it so, I technically have no claim and we're going to the dividing of stuff now. most of the furniture around here she's purchased as well, or it was given to us at some point in time. Steve I know you're trying to tell me to put my balls in front of me here by taking the marriage bed back, and forcing her to move downstairs. But I have no legal claim to it, and besides I don't want to look at the wedding photos right now after what I've discovered I don't want to look at her stuff in the room either. I would almost rather move downstairs build my own little pad and do my own thing in my own way for a while. besides the basement gets really humid in the summer time it gets really sometimes moldy we have to run a dehumidifier down there and she's very sensitive allergies so I'm not going to screw her that much. We live in very small 3 bedroom house.

But I know what you're saying about taking the power back. Im going to go no contact except for child related texts and convos, and only respond friendly as she would when spoken to. just as of this week I think we both learn our rings. she always wore a ring out just to let other people know that she was still married despite what we're going through which we stuck him up when she came home cuz her hands swelled or so she says. She temp checked me the other night when I told her I was going out the weekend, brought up dating, and I fell right for the bait. I was planning on going to a meetup group but it didn't happen. I want to get out more and start networking but it's going to be hard with me either watching the kids while she's going through all these procedures and we're me working and fixing in the house on the weekend. she's a couple of steps ahead of me as far as the division of time labor time with the child chores and possessions, since I asked her to make a list and I'm still working on mine. the dividing of the possessions is really starting to sink in and hit me, that this is really happening, although on the outside I'm trying to remain encouraging positive like this is a new start for me. I'm sure I can find some freedom and certain things. I know it was going to keep telling me the same thing for my own good. Detach, GAL, Take care of business, home an health. I'm having such a swing of emotions with are times where I'm common than different and unattached and there's other moments where I am totally still attached. I'm trying to take the lead ahead if her. it almost seems like we're both on a race to the divorced finish line, I get the whole thing about dropping the rope and letting go and all that it's just going to take me awhile in a lot of practice to really feel it. Especially when you live in the same home with the person if you see them everyday. We still are very cordial and friendly with one another. God help me through this help me be the best man I can be at least for my son. as far as I'm concerned my wife checked out 8 months ago, she didn't tell me about it until 5 months ago and I really didn't start feeling the effects of it until a month or two ago. she wants me to give her six months to figure out her limbo land with IC. I should have been divorced busting and implementing it the right way 5 months ago.

It's really hard for me to remain emotionally neutral. I can put on a good act, but I'm still on the rollercoaster and we both want off. I really don't want to let her go but I know I need to and not be attached to any outcomes. applying me have some dignity that the way things are and the way things came to this I definitely don't want to be with a person like that, that gives up on a marriage based on their own personal selfish happiness, because of how good of a person they are I don't like quitters, and we both weren't raised that way. Im really scared of losing the family. And even though I don't want to, I know I have to let her go out of my own valuing principles. I wish I could change my perspective that this he's going to become a pissing match, between who can divide what first who can do what better first and you can finish at the divorce line first. I won't take second place in my marriage to some reality show superstar.