LBS dealing with WW (part 7) (piecing?)

[Joe2017]

Hi Sandi,

Now that I have slept on it, I can give a more detailed and thoughtful response.

First thing I want to say is that I'm not angry at my XW for the affair anymore. What I am angry with is my XWs approach towards my healing. She is way too defensive, which is her way of coping with what I say because when I get triggered by something, it causes her pain and guilt. She will probably always be this way. We have been to counseling in the past about how she deals with anger and stress, and not much ever changed.

What I meant about "back and forth" was we had a back and forth argument. She walked in on me looking in her phone. She was upset not because she was hiding anything, but because she felt like I was doing it because I don't trust her. So I told her, no I don't trust her completely yet. She said she wanted me to look through her phone and then go home, so I continued to look. She sat down with me and explained any questions that I had. We argued a while. And then I had to leave.

She has apologized many many times, and she has even called me and apologized today. What happened last night was that she got very bery upset because she felt like I would never trust her again. And if that is the case, then she says we should not be together. I understand it must be awful to always have the feeling that you are untrustworthy. But the trust process for me is going to take a lot of time, and I see how that can be frustrating.

I'm guessing this is the part where people will say I'm not ready to get into a relationship because I'm not fully healed. OK, thanks for nothing. That's not helpful. It may literally take me years to get over some of these seemingly minor things. Something the wayward will probably have a hard time understanding is how ANYTHING can remind the betrayed spouse of the affair. She had no idea that even driving her car gave me anxiety. I am not saying this out of pride, but I have made a very strong effort to face each of these triggers head on, and in the most positive way possible... But it keeps hitting me every day. Many times it's something new that I didn't know was going to hurt me. Like a smell! Or the taste of my wife's cooking! WHO COULD EVER PREDICT THAT!?!?

I am doing my best every day, but it is draining me emotionally. I have IC tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some helpful coping strategies in our session.

Thank you, everyone. Having your input here is helping me tremendously.