Hi Betsey - Thanks for the confirmation. I need to find a way of sharing with him the changes that are for good, I know he sees them, and wonders what's up
As the fog pain lifts slowly, it is begining to dawn on me that NG has a way of saying things which I have not been too good at deciphering. For example, when we were discussing the rent on this house that we both liked, NG's main concern was that we now have to live on BOTH our salaries, as opposed to putting mine entirely into our retiremend fund.
Firstly, I found that his way of saying "if that's what I wanted to do" was really an expression of him not wanting it that way. Secondly, us living on his salary seems to be a point of pride for him. Sooo, I'm going to have to think about how to diffuse some of this. He likes the house, but is just a little uncomfortable with the financial implications.
Hi Slowly, I swear I can't believe it, Our H's have to be twins....It has taken me 25 years to learn to "listen between the lines" as I call it....meaning that my H has ways of telling me what's important without putting it in plain language....just as you said your H does. I think this must go back to not being permitted to express his feelings and desires as a child....and his parents never did learn to listen between the lines, and therein lies , I believe, a great deal of the underlying "stuff" that's got us into this mess. I believe my H perceives that he would not be a Nice Guy if he really made himself clear about what he wants, expects. In response to this I have begun to do something that goes totally against my grain as a "fixer" and "take-charge" kind of person. I've begun to defer to him....with "what do you think?" etc., and let him make the final decision on things. This is very new and very weird to me....totally Alien....but so far, it seems to work, and strangely enough, he hasnt ever decided on something that I wouldnt have (that will be a challenge to deal with!) I think this is interconnected with my recent realization that when I thought I was being a good helpmate and taking c are of things so he didnt have to be worried or bothered by them, H was interpreting it as not being trusted or seen as capable or needed or wanted.....what a twisted path to slip down in spite of the best of intentions. I don't know if this helps any in your sitch or not, but the more I think about it the more I become convinced it has a huge bearing on mine.
I was thinking about your sitch last night, and how you said you think your H kind of expects to go on with contact w/OW and do as best he can in your R, and that he didn't understand how much this bothers you. I believe my H is exactly the same way, and I am firmly convinced the A will never be over until contact stops. I don't know what to do about it however, as H is in constant phone contact w/her. If you get an tidbits on how to deal with this other than detaching, please let me know!
I do honestly see such huge strides for you though!!!!Things have to be heading your direction fast!.....
Slowly, Just checking on you. In reading your posts for the last few days I have seen some positive strides. Debcb has shared some very valuable tips here on how to put our "take charge, fixer" personalities on the back burner and allow our other half to feel more in control. I think I will work them into my sitch.
I understand how you feel about NG continuing to talk with XOw. It is frustrating and even a little scary (at least it is to me). Its frustrating because you don't see why they would or should care about what the other person is going through or doing, and it is scary because you are not sure if them continuing to communicate is healthy for your R, in the back of your mind you wonder if there is still something going on between them. (I don't know if these are concerns for you, but I know they were a big concern for me). The way I handle XH talking to XOw is: I pretend when she calls that it is a solicitor calling him to sell him something he doesn't need like viagra or something silly. I also remember that he is telling me about their conversations, He does not go into another room when she calls or when he is on the phone with XOw. Which means he is not trying to hide it from me, and to me this means two things. He respects, trusts, and honors US; and that he does not want to have secrets which means he is loyal to US. Another thing I do (well actually do not do), I do not ask him any questions about that when he gets off the phone, In being silent he actually tells me more than I need to know. I am not sure if this will help you deal with their contact or not I sure hope it does help. Hugs and Prayers,
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Slowly, I think you are developing a great ear for the MARTIAN lingo. Take your time about the house rental. You can validate how much fun you had on the search and how easily you can "see" the two of you enjoying the space together. Tell him there will be other houses and you are willing to do whatever he is comfortable doing.
You might, since it is a rental, float the suggestion thet you have a "Celebration" year in the house. See it as your "honeymoon" year...just to really reacquaint yourselves to new beginnings...would that be too pushy?...hmmm. it may be.
In any case, you know him well and if he really feels like living on his salsry is important...then do NOT push for this new home. You already have a sense that he has seen you as independent in ways that may have challenged his sense of manhood.
I would live in a shoebox with my h if he wanted that now.
Learning seems to be more difficult than I thought it would be. Having always been a good student in school, college and even the workplace, these life lessons seem to take longer to sink. I came across this quote this morning, and thought it apt for now.
Quote: Stupidity is repetition, repeating others. It is cheap, cheap because you need not learn. Learning is arduous. It needs guts to learn. Learning means one has to be humble. Learning means one has to be ready to drop the old, one has to be constantly ready to accept the new.
I need to be honest with myself and accept that taking on board wisdom on an intellectual level is far from being able to really assimilate learning on the emotional front, and until this is done, changing the habits of a lifetime are going to be prone to backslides.
This means I need to pace myself more slowly (!) and really dig deep into the issues that are holding back my growth. Habits that I'm finding hard to let go. Be focused, consistent. Take my time. Enjoy the ride.
Quote: Learning seems to be more difficult than I thought it would be... I need to be honest with myself and accept that taking on board wisdom on an intellectual level is far from being able to really assimilate learning on the emotional front, and until this is done, changing the habits of a lifetime are going to be prone to backslides.
AMEN!
This is so hard. For me, there is the public Maya....who in writing on the BB can sound like she is really "getting it', and there is the in-the-house....in-the-chatroom....in-a-panic, MAYA who just rails against having to change at all.
I wish us all great strength, patience and persistence in making the lasting positive changes in our lives.
Just checking to see if you are ok. Haven't seen you on here in a couple of days and am getting worried about you. Hope everything is alright. Will check back later. Take care of you Believe
