Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Gerda]

Gordie, first of all - your writing. Seriously, Gordie, you need to start writing some fiction. Your style is like Hemingway meets Camus but with Christianity to lift it from darkness.

Secondly -- I really liked what you said, but I think it's because I like that you are standing up for me.

I am wondering if you think my H is different from all the MLCers we all know and love -- or at least know and try not to hate?

I always thought mine was pretty much in the same vein as all of yours and would like some insight as to how he is different.

I think you are talking about my attitude towards my H but in case you are talking about giving up on the M and starting life with another man --

Last night in a moment of darkness, I was speaking to a priest who was talking about how, when I am in the love of God through Christ, I can love the other in a way that I can never do on my own. And I know this to be true even though it pisses me off. It's not like I am trying to do anything (in reference to your line about the saint attempt) except open myself to the will of God. I don't want to wait for my H or love him or any of that. I want to hate him and let bitterness swirl around me like a delicious hot tub of fury.

But I want to want to love and forgive.

So everyday I ask God to help me do that. And most days, I get a superhuman and clearly divine sense of love and forgiveness shooting through my heart. It is always a total surprise to me.

I don't want to be a saint and I don't want to be a martyr. I want to be wild, smoke cigarettes, get a little drunk, have affairs, run away. The only difference between me and any other sinner around here or anywhere else is that I ask God to help me love like He does even with the noise of my desires droning in my ears. And most days, He does it.

If I have the love of God and if I can love God absolutely, it really doesn't matter who is screaming at me. Almost every apostle got crucified. That's a given on the path to the cross.

I loved what you said. It made me feel so protected and understood.

But I can't deny that the path of a Christian may lead to exactly the kind of unfair crucifixion you describe so well.

My H needs to move out for the sake of my children. And I am really looking forward to the peace it will bring. REALY looking forward to it. And wishing I could invite all my DB friends to a big dinner at my house just after that to celebrate my new life of peace. But I hope God will enable me to keep living in Him and to keep forgiving and loving my H from a far, and that he would give me the strength and courage to say yes if my H comes back.