Well... Tonight I did it. i told XW about all of my feelings. It was a couple hours of arguing. Deep, painful arguing. She hurts too but part of me doesn't give a damn. I told her about all or the triggers. The memories. The pain. The shame. The destruction. All of it.
We went back and forth. She has dealt with a lot of pain too. But I completely feel that mine is more valid. Hers was due to her choices. My kid and I were VICTIMS. There is such a difference!!!
What do you mean, "she goes back and forth"? Does she apology for the pain she's caused? Does she act haughty? Is she saying she has pain, too, as a comeback to you expressing your hurt?
Have you listened to her with your heart, or are you so full of anger and judging that you aren't hearing her? IDK, maybe she has not repented. But if she has, then she is going to suffer. Every person's pain is personal. If you feel nobody understands you........what chance do you think she has with someone understanding her? Or does that fall under the category or you not giving a damn?
Everyone runs to the LBS to comfort her/him. Nobody goes to the WS to see if they need comforting, b/c most people have the same attitude that you do........they don't give a damn, and feel the WS deserves to suffer.....and even more b/c they brought suffering to their families. The fact that you clearly identify yourself as a victim, and therefore your pain is more valid......tells me that you are not ready to spend as much time with your XW as you've been doing. If she is not remorseful, and if she's impatient about your triggers, then this relationship will have very big stumbling blocks before it gets off the ground.
As you have previously admitted, you never healed after the divorce. I don't know what she is saying in these arguments, but I think the two of you were not apart long enough, b/c you are too angry at her. One minute you see her not being good enough. and the next you say you don't want to be her plan B......which is the board's lingo from when she was in an affair. So, yeah......sounds a bit twisted there, but I think I can see. Divorce in itself was not healing. You were removed from the problem, but you didn't heal. So, it was like you spent a few months away and then walked back and it opened up the door for all those hurt emotions.
I don't think she knows what to do for you, to help you. If I were in her shoes I doubt I would know what to do when you were triggered by seeing my car or my clothes, etc. Frankly, I am more concerned about the anger you feel toward her, and you are even angry that her pain is not the same pain as you have. So, I think you need to focus on healing before you try to have a R with her.
Just in case someones thinks I am taking sides with the WW, I'm not. I'm simply trying to give you a viewpoint from the other side. Plus, that would be a viewpoint from a recovering WS, who has repented. If she has not reached that point........then you are wasting your time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
