Sandi. I know I shouldn't do this, but I searched my wife's Google history, and have been keeping tabs on her for about a month online. Ok so here is the biggest shock of my life.
Her being a behavioral specialist, reality show addict, and overweight, low self esteem. From the data that I have gathered since August, she has viewed 100 of articles on all of these subjects including on divorce, seperation, in house seperation, she has been daily chronic looking at rv campers, living at all different campgrounds around the country for her future life, she perceives me to be bi-polar, has reached out to numerous sources concerning such, has taken emotionally abusive courses, has looked into custody rights, is addicted to shows involving mom single life in an rv, has gone through great lengths to take horoscope, tarot card readings, sexual and relationship compatibility tests, has read numerous articles on how she is no longer attracted to me, she is looking for her soulmate and the love of her life, is obsessed with Chris Soules from the bachelor, when i say obsessed, i mean googling every day all day for months to years, is always looking for an opportunity to date him, has made contact with him on twitter, facebook, and Instagram, and what's really scaring me, even more aggressively now, she is looking up his home, his family home, and all the areas, business opportunity, boarding, hotel, apartments, all around his area and his farm, his H.S. and Iowa University.. Has looked into flights and airports there, and may be considering possibly taking my son with her. She has her bariatric surgery is coming up in a month or two. Has suddenly taken an interest in country, farming, bee keeping she always enjoyed.
Now, before I freak out. I am doing my best to maintain my composure here but I am so livid, and so betrayed, that I'm not sure if I want to have anything to do with some this secretive and this crazy, and she thinks I'm the one that's crazy.
I don't want to be reactive, after this I'm not sure if I even know this person anymore.
Should I calmy confront and demand divorce? Or should I keep quiet, get a lawyer, get a custody plan in place, get the house fixed up, move into the basement as planned, get rid of the house, and leave her to her fantasy divorce of a new life? She has been in individual IC since August, and hasn't told me about her IC until October. I am still currently in the middle of finding the right IC for me.
I need some advice here from someone with this level of crazy fog experience. I want to confront just to see if she will own up to here delusion, but it looks like she may have a head start on me in the GAL, Divorce and possibly legal field. Any help is appreciated. This is why she needs her space, because she won't ever tell me these things.
Some of the best advice I've ever received here is to NOT make big decisions when you are emotional. Ding is a huge decision. Calm down. Take a breathe. Step back.
2x4 time. Why are you tracking her online? To me tracking her since August is snooping, not intel gathering. You don't mention an A, either EA or PA. I think you would have found evidence of that. What I see her is a lot of fantasy. Single mom traveling around in an RV? Tracking down Chris Soules (thank for some from the bachelor or I would have no clue who he is)? That is all fantasy world stuff.
You say: "not sure if I want to have anything to do with some this secretive and this crazy"
In that context, what would she say if she knew all of your online activities? And not just now but over the years? So don't dwell on that. I do google searches on all kinds of crazy stuff. Doesn't mean I want to pursue any of them as a lifestyle.
You mention a search about not being attracted to you. Attraction a woman has for a man is deeply root in one area: RESPECT. A woman will not be attracted to a man she doesn't respect. No matter how tight his abs, or how big his biceps are. You have to take back respect. You said: "Ive already commited to moving to the basement after going back and forth with her over logistics of the MBR being next to our sons room for child care, work schedule timing convenience, etc. My hours and pay fluctuate a lot. Believe me, I would love to tell her too bad, you move into the basement, but its my responsibility to clean it up of the mesd of my tools and stuff that has been lingering there for the last year or so. Plus it does just make more sence for me to move down there logistically." Is that an attitude that commands respect? Or does it make you look more like a spineless worm? You keep talking about it in terms of "who lives in the basement". "I have to clean up my tools." WHAT? How about: "You want space, then you move out of the MBR." PERIOD. No "I will clean up the basement....etc...." THAT IS FOR HER TO FIGURE OUT.
Guess what, more than likely she would have stayed right in the MBR. She isn't in an active A right? So she can stay or go. You act like being told she is no longer attracted to you is the end of the world. Guess what, 99.9% of us that got BD heard that. And the .1% that didn't hear it, it was true none-the-less. So stop focusing on that.
Your game plan is simple:
A) Move back into the MBR. She is welcome to stay, or go herself, but move back in. She cannot respect you if you give up your BR. And she cannot be reattracted to you if she doesn't respect you.
B) GAL. Like a mad man. Be busy busy busy. Every minute you aren't at work, you are busy. It can be with your kids in the house. But when it isn't, get out of the house. Take up new interests. Find other men to spend time with. Reconnect old friendships (male only!). Be active. GAL. Do not underestimate the importance of this.
C) Continue to 180 on your bad behaviors. When you interact with her you are upbeat, pleased, present, fulfilled. No sad. Mopey. Angry. Withdrawn. But limit your interactions with her. Interact with her as little as possible.
D) DETACH. Read the detachment thread. Make sure you are doing C, but make sure that emotionally you are detached from what she says or does. Let it roll off your back like water off a duck. This is why you need to stop tracking her. LET HER GO TO GET HER BACK. Maybe you don't want her back, and that is fine. You have a right to make that decision. But you are here, in this forum. Which tells me there is a part of you that would like to save it. So stop doing what doesn't work (snooping, giving up your MBR, etc) and do what DOES work (this list).
So Robert, are you going to be a man that she can respect? Or continue to be a mouse?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
