Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

I read somewhere that part of the grief cycle was also isolation or loneliness. I questioned this and if I was going through it if its part of the depression stage. If then led me to thinking back about my past, and I may or may not have shared this as I do type and delete to clear my mind. When I was a troubled teen, my mother moved us back to the country and I locked myself in my small room the whole summer. I would draw and draw and draw. The food was sometimes left at my door and I would only leave the room to use the restroom or bathe. When I was young, growing up Pentacostal and going to bible classes gave me opportunities to meditate for long periods , just me and God. I've grown up a country bumpkin running wild barefoot through the woods as a little kid. I find peace and serenity in the wilderness. I am listening to people who lecture about loving yourself and not needing approval, acceptance , or love from others. I have a lot of work still left to do and I've found it best when I do them alone. Don't get me wrong, I value everything here, everything. I value the wisdom, shared knowledge, and tremendous support. This forum has put me on the right path and reminded me of who I am and what I hold important.

I'll post, read up, post more and cycle through giving my mind some rest in between.

My next step is setting some appointments with a couple lawyers closer to where my apartment will be at. There were options to travel cross town or conference call but that felt really impersonal.

I know anytime I try to express how I feel or think I know how I feel, that changes to the opposite because life is like that. So I know better to think I am out of the woods.

When I come across so many stories, I can feel the pain and I can get teary-eyed but when it comes to W and I, I don't feel direct sadness in the moment. I do sometimes still wonder but I think this is normal and I allow myself to attempt to process as much as I can before I need to put energy elsewhere.

I'm also kinda comfortable like a load is off my shoulders because I no longer feel like I need to rush things, like it was my responsibility to quickly find a way to save the marriage for everyone's sake. I can breathe and look forward to this new opportunity.

As for women, I work in an office full and there have been a few who talk to me that could turn into something but I don't mix work like that and ontop of that I am still married. It goes back to being okay being alone and I don't think it's fair for anyone else ATM. Only a few select people know of my sitch. Hard to hear people asking about W but I tell them with a smiling face that she is doing well.

Well I ran 2 miles today in the gym at work and have been in the garage for a while. Time to head home.