You mentioned that you feel like no one understands. And I just want you to know that I understand you! I completely understand you!!! At one time or another I could have written every word that you say, other than a few changes in small details, and it pulls at my heart strings to read it. So, so many triggers all over the place, and things (like her dress) that most people, and even HER, would not even notice as a trigger, and it gets you like a knife in the throat. It takes over and the flood of emotions is indescribable. Even if you know they can be illogical, they still hurt like h3ll and you just want them to go away! It's hard to thought stop. It's hard to breathe normally.
I could never escape my triggers because some of them were simply inside my own head. Just my normal drive home from work that I have had for so many years became a trigger because I now (after he came back) had 10-18 months of sad memories driving that same drive. I would literally start gasping for air and tearing up just sitting in traffic. Any car that looked like XOW's car was a trigger. Driving by the intersection where she used to live. Not even seeing her, but seeing our mutual friends, on social media, even tho most of them had dumped her. Seeing clothing that my H wore that he had during the stich pre-BD, was a trigger. Just seeing HIM sometimes (and I saw him every day). Memories that used to be only good before BD had now lost some meaning and had become tainted. I could go on and on ...
I don't know how to tell you to turn them off. I wish I did. There is a reason so many former LBS give up and this is it. When we get comfortable with their return, the pain of what happened and the PTSD are all consuming. It sounds like you had a lengthy and rough separation (and D) and I did too. I think the harder the course, the more difficult the piecing is. .... There is something that got me through it though. It was not only telling him what I needed, because that is important too. You have to tell her clearly and ask for what you want and she needs to provide that. But there is faith. I had faith it would get better.
I told myself that there was a reason we were back together, a logical reason. He showed me that and still does. I decided that I wasn't going to let my emotions control my choices anymore. I already had done that. I was going to choose my choices in life and my H had given me all the reasons to choose him again. I also told myself it would not feel this way forever. I just knew based on other hardships that emotions were fleeting and that this too shall pass. And you know what? I was totally right. My H has been back almost 4 years now! I do not have these triggers at all. I notice some things at times and other times I don't notice even at all. Either way, it doesn't get me. If I am going to end this M now, I don't want it to be because of the mistakes he made, but because he is not the right person for me today. He hasn't made those mistakes again. And he has chosen to be a good partner since he has been back. I think that is important.
Also, I am a survivor. What didn't kill me has ABSOLUTELY made me stronger. That feels awesome in a way. I like myself more now because of what I have been through and I know I can deal with anything life throws at me.
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. It hurts so, so much. I promise you it will not feel this way forever I know that with 100% certainty. How long you can stand the pain of the triggers, only you can answer. You can walk away at any time and we all would understand and support you. You also need to tell your friends and family that you would like their support in whatever you choose.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
