I'm feeling better today. And I just finished up a very heavy conversation with WW. She started off talking about how we should start purging things so that down the road we can separate our stuff and get everything filed so we can be done by the beginning of the summer. I told her that I am not going to file the paperwork anymore. She asked why when I made it cleat that I did not want this sitch to go into this year. I said I know and that I was having a lot of second thoughts about it. She asked in what way. I told her in regards to the paperwork and how I expressed those feelings. I also told her that when we talked about my anger and the resulting consequences, I made the decision based on that anger. She said that it seemed like I was sincere and that it wasn't out of anger. I told her it was (and it was).
She then told me that she is going to continue with the plan. I told her I understand and I am not going to stop her. I then said that I am not going to file for D.
She then asked if I was going to contest and we have to go to trial. I said no. I further told her that I don't want a divorce at all. She said that we aren't living as a married couple. And I told her that I know we aren't. She told me that we aren't in a relationship with each other. I told her that I know that as well. She asked me why wouldn't we file if we weren't those things. I told her that it's not what I want.
She then told me that she heard what I said, grieved for the impending loss, and made plans based on that. She expressed frustration that I just changed my mind again because it's not what I want (I haven't told her it's not what I wanted at all, but the damage from my anger was already done, so I did not say it).
I told her that based on her words and decisions as well that I grieved for our loss as well. And then I went into what she said a few weeks ago and reflected a lot of my actions and words over the last 12 months. About everything that I have done wrong and how I decided to fix myself. I then told her that I am not going to force her to do or feel anything.
More talk of her telling me that she will still be liable for my bills until I sign, which I said I am not going to do anymore. Again, I told her that I don't want a divorce. She asked if we are beyond that point. I said No. I am not beyond that point (I never told her that I was beyond that point. I always wanted to save the marriage. My actions and anger dictated otherwise).
She then conceded and said that she will have to figure it out to pay for her house and ours indefinitely. I told her that she does not have to do that, nor do I want her to. She said (again) that she grieved and she deserves to finish the process. And to not be whiplashed. I validated by saying that I understand where she was coming from and I expressed my apologies for putting her through that. I further said that my words and actions contributed majorly to that.
She then said it doesn't matter anymore. It's where we are at right now. She went on telling me that I am whiplashing again. I told her I know. And I further told her that I am not moving from my decision for no D anymore. Again she continued telling me she is going to move forward as planned and that is where she is at. I told her that I understood and I was not going to change her mind in any way. She told me that when it's time she will have to take care of it.
Another dig at me regarding my rollercoastering. I told her that this is my last hump. To which she said "No it certainly isn't". I told her that I see where she can be cynical about me saying that and further validated to her telling her she has every reason to feel that way. She said that she is not cynical, she just makes it sounds like the way I state my decisions, the ball gets rolling. Told her that I see that and that it took a tragedy like this to make me see that.
She asked me if I was going to drag this process out. I said no. I told her that I am not going in the direction of divorce anymore. She then told me that it sounds like that is what works out for me to which I said "yes".
She then asked me if this is the way we want to continue living (stay legally married and do what we are doing). I said "yes". She asked me why would I do that. I told her that I truly do not know right now (any other answer would be pursuit, right?) but I know a divorce is not what I want. She again (3rd or 4th time) told me that she is going to execute the original plan. I told her that I know and she expressed that desire to me already.
I don't know if that was something I was supposed to do or not. But I know that I don't want the divorce. I want to reconcile and work on the relationship again. And it's going take me months to get this reestablished and show her that I mean it.
She knows where I stand now. I am not intending on budging from it. She wants to divorce, she can do the work.
