Hi Slowly, You're here early today (actually still yesterday night here.). Hope that the eventful weekend was eventful in a good way ... for the most part?
Quote: This weekend, it transpired that NG honestly thinks that the current status is OK with me - i.e. he has conversations that feed residual feelings wit OW, and lives life as he best can with me. Sooo, I needed to correct this perspective, that I still feel we have a long way to go. NG could not understand what else I wanted.
Well I think some of it is getting thru to NG. The tinket I think is evidence of that! ... but for the most part, I'm sure NG just does not have any comprehension of how the extramarital R impacts you. How can he really, he has never been in your shoes. What has worked for a few around here is to find gentle ways that will show NG how to walk a mile in your shoes. One of the more recent "Piecers" that come to mind in Talitsa.
Quote: This week is another hectic one for me, need to find time and energy to regroup and rethink where this is all heading.
Sounds like you may be have a hard time seeing the forest thru the trees. The positives are there ... the baby steps are there ... the progress towards a better R is there, and thereby potential for a better M is getting closer.
Hi KAW - You are so right, I think I do need to back off a little. I also keep re-reading Betsey's post of in his own time - there just seem to be so many layers to the letting go
I think I'm letting my pain and hurt cloud the issue at stake, which is our long term future. Both my workload, and the emotional binge, are not helping me, and I just need to SLOW down.
Thanks also for the tip, I really will catch up on Talista's thread to see what works, without putting pressure on NG!
Just saving something I came across while reading to centre myself a bit
Enlightenment is blissfulness with awareness. Knowledge is a passage; it is a journey. You have left ignorance, but you have not achieved enlightenment. You are in between. That is why knowledge is a tension. Either you fall back from knowledge or you go beyond. And falling back is not possible. You have to struggle to go beyond.
I feel like I'm in the middle bit with dbing - I know there is more to this journey, but every now and then the peaks and valleys are just too daunting. Hence the tension, conflict, inability to handle pain.
Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you." - Erich Fromm
Journaling the weekend. Given the madness at work this week, I'll be kind to myself, and focus on ONLY positives
+ NG agreed that we should look for a new place to live in, even before we sell this poky little flat. This is HUGE, I intensely dislike the flat, it was to be a short term solution, and I will always associate it with the A. We had a ball house hunting, found a great place, and plan to make an offer this week. All going well, we will be moving in August, and this place comes with one acre of mature gardens, pool, large entertainment deck - LOTS to keep us busy
+ we spent much of the weekend in peace and joy. with no reference to the A. Had dinner with some friends Sat night, went to the movies (yummy Brad Pitt in Troy) on Sun. Managed afternoon naps both days
+ kind of touched on some R talk on IM this morning. NG asked what was bothering me, so I said that I was not feeling too strong, and did not know how I was going to put my broken heart back together again. NG said he understood (he's always been good at validating), that he will mend my heart, that he has some problems he needs to fix. He asked me to remember that he has ALWAYS maintained that we will be together, and that he will make sure we make it. Hard to feel doomed after that exchange, right?
+ NG came home after lunch, and went back to work a couple of hours later for a meeting after I left for the airport. I REALLY like this attention
Hi slowly, just catching up with you here....I don't know what I can add.....you have so many positives going on, baby steps coming quickly, and I continue to be amazed at how our sitchs and our emotions mirror each other. I even just posted today that I think one think I did wrong in my M was to be too independent and self-sufficient for my H's "rescuer" complex.... Hang in.....What you want is coming....I can feel it in my bones!
This sounds very positive. New house....fresh start. I think that really will be welcome. It's a good sign if househunting was fun. They say that can be a real stressor in a marriage...reconciling different needs and different desires for what to include in a space. But you two have lived together for a long time and really have an understanding of how you want to hang out! Much history...How can any OW match those intangibles?
I'm glad that you are enjoying the attention and love he is showing. He seems to be very receptive to dealing with your pain about the affair. Remember to take THAT slowly, too, and maybe validate and thank him when he has been particularly sensitive to your feelings...WOW. I really get excited reading your progress.
I see so many consistencies in the stories people share when they are getting close to full reconciliation.I get a little intimidated because I can see how, after holding back and db'ing through terrible experience, the anger and impatience might really overwhelm just as you are getting so close. That has to be hard.
You said you are having difficulty handling the pain. Can you think of some strategies that will help you handle the pain and also some to help you keep clear about when you want to have R talks?
You are doing incredibly well. And your example gives the rest of us a lot of hope...and your visits to many of us on the bb brings us a tremendous amount of encouragement in our personal journeys.
Hi Deb - I've just been visiting at your end too, and boy, some cool action at the weekend To quote Betsey, GO YOU!!
Yes, I need to practice my breathing, and just step back from things a bit. Savour the baby steps. I think this away trip has helped a bit. And knowing it is my last away trip for a while - yeah.
I'm so encouraged you can feel it in your bones - it is sooo good to have the rest of you look in and give your perspective. My problem is still wanting it all yesterday
But, I'm adjusting to the slower pace of life. And actually enjoying it more than the previous break neck race. So here's to a better life. Slowly
Hi Maya - Funny how a bunch of the right words can be so uplifting Thank you so much for pointing out the positives, I was definitely in a funk late last week. Feeling much better, especially after deciding that this week was loaded already, and I should just sit back and enjoy the ride. Got the rest of my life to worry about the other things, right?
Yes, I'm utterly delighted with the decision we made about moving house over the weekend. I'm probably attaching too much symbolism into it, but hey, whatever works, right? Been also catching up on Talista's old threads, it has calmed me down a lot, knowing that these milestoned of rough patches are normal, and we will come through OK.
Quote: I know that in many cases, no R talks and no pursuing are the best stratagy. For my sitch, the 180 that worked was more R talks, more pursuing and lots of reassurances to H.
Lately, I've been thinking that this may be the case for NG too. After R talk last Weds, I got the trinket back. I know he continues to have R talks with OW, and I wonder if it is the sharing he is afraid of letting go? NG and I used to be minimal in our sharing, but boy have we made up for it big time since bomb. Wonder if he thinks we will revert to our old ways? Just a thought. Slowly
I've been reading but haven't found a whole lot of time for posting... as it is, I have a button that needs to be sewn on the outfit I'm wearing tomorrow. But here I sit, composing on a screen and listening to D10 play "Amazing Grace" on her recorder...
Quote: NG and I used to be minimal in our sharing, but boy have we made up for it big time since bomb. Wonder if he thinks we will revert to our old ways?
You can count on that! Just ask anyone who's made the transition and they'll tell you it was at the top of their list of fears...
You're doing wonderfully. Especially for a crazymaker.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."