Slowly, haven't read all your new posts...will in a second...in the meantime...you were posting onto my thread JUST as I was writing my new info...can you come back around to read my latest pos?IO had a rough night on phone with my H.
OK....NOW I HAVE read your posts. Hmmmm...all i can say is ....
ZONK!
I don't get it. And really, maybe it is just me....But WHY did you go there? From the description, you initiated a talk about the affair. Is that correct? Is that the way in which this got started?
I am just not sure why you would start this conversation in the first place? Did you have a goal or plan for this? Sometimes, when and if THEY initiate a talk, well then, we have to improvise....or maybe let them know we are not quite ready to talk...but when we take it upon ourselves to initiate, I think we need to give ourselves space to plan. Know what we hope to accomplish...etc.
SLOWLY.......you have done such a great job staying OUT of his business and just being your wonderful self. What was going on for you?
Here are some things I imagine now having read this transcript: a. you were completely loopy and jet lagged. b. you couldn't STAND all the good stuff coming your way so you thought you might LIVEN things up. c. your anger and everything you have been swallowing....kinda welled-up d. you were bored e. you felt OVERCONFIDENT f. you had temporary amnesia and forgot everything you have done for the last little while!
Sorry. I don't mean this with any malice or cruelty. It is 2 a.m. here and I have also just been going through intense encounters with alien. Honestly, if I knew any better (or if I didn't know better) I'd say something must be in the stars!
Do I think it is a major screw up? NAH. A blip on the screen but maybe you might consider cuddling up....telling him you apologize for the lack of clarity in the conversation...(if that is what you feel.) ANd then, if it were ME, I might just tell him that I really know that none of this has been easy for him and that YOU TRUST HIM to find a way to extricate himself from the situation and that he can count on you IF he should need any help.
I know that my list (above) is written in jest but maybe you are (re)acting unconsciously. Tell me what YOU think is going on.
Biggest thing I gleaned from the conversation (haven't had enough coffee yet!) is that h feels a "sword hanging over" his "head" in regards to your decision to stay/go re. M.
Did I read that wrong? I (sorry!) don't know enough about the details of your sitch to know if that makes sense or not but it seemed fairly clear (??) that h is wondering if you are recommitted or, perhaps more accurately, he is feeling that you are not.
Is it possible that he's gunshy about recommitting if you're not?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You and I had QUITE the night! Both of us up in the wee, wee hours. It's 7:24 am out here in California right now....I am always an hour (or is it two) behind the posting times.
I woke up this morning feeling rather worried about my response to you...feeling it may have been too curt or glib. If so, I apologize. And if not, I have still learned that I want to be careful when responding. Not come from my own exhaustion or even project from my own situation. I am sure that is easy to do on this board.
In re-reading the posts I can see that there was so much operating. I do believe you might have wanted to consider where you wanted to take the conversation or what you hoped to accomplish b4 you entered into it. I understand, however, how "these things happen."
I do agree with Sage that your h feels the sword above his head and would add that I imagine his guilt is HUGE these days. His responses demonstrates that to me...his guilt and his FEAR.
DO you have the right to be angry? Yes. You owe it to yourself, and all you have worked to do, to handle your anger effectively and responsibly. I believe he will be ready to handle that with you at the proper time and under safer conditions.
I do wonder whether there were some hidden agendas. I know that I would welcome the kind of progress that you are having. and yet, if h said he were moving back in with me tomorrow or soon....as welcome as that would feel..it would be equally confusing and frightening to me.
I have read on other threads in this forum that it is not uncommon to become impatient just as things are really turning around. I have aslo read that for many of us who have swalllowed our feelings in order to turn everything around, well, these feelings re-surface...and often we are unable to remember our dbing goals and methods. In fact, some question the wisdom of this path altogether.
I do want to hear from you and find out how you are doing and what your thoughts are about how he is responding and how you are handling this. You know that I am thinking of you. My thoughts are with you and you need to know that I support you in feeling whatever those feelings may be.
I also want to help you identify what you now would like to set as your goals. Hopefully, regardless of your feelings, once you know where you want to go and how you want to take care of yourself...it will become easier to ACT in a manner that is consistent with your goals.
Hi everyone - Been an eventful weekend, finally some time to follow-up on my own thread Also have had some time to reflect on what THAT conversation was all about.
I think I needed NG to know that I understood his perspective on maintaining contact - otherwise it was going underground and developing into who knows what. And putting 'I'm OK" on the table worked, NG tells me there have been several phone calls to 'clarify' things, sharing emotions and setting expectations. For me, it is better I know these things that live in cloud cuckoo land
This weekend, it transpired that NG honestly thinks that the current status is OK with me - i.e. he has conversations that feed residual feelings wit OW, and lives life as he best can with me. Sooo, I needed to correct this perspective, that I still feel we have a long way to go. NG could not understand what else I wanted
Quote: Is it possible that he's gunshy about recommitting if you're not?
I used to think so, hence the wholehearted dbing, making it clear I'm there for him. But lately, I get the feeling he is too comfortable, and feels I will be there no matter what. Had the urge to shake that complacency a bit. Bad dbing
Hey there, SLowly. I am surprised to learn that the trinket came back AFTER your conversation. I thought it was before you even went away! I thought he gave you the trinket back and this conversation all transpired upon your return from your trip. Did I misinterpret all of the info?
Hi Maya - Sorry, could be the sequence of my posting. No, I had the convo, got the trinket, got rid of it on my trip, and here we are, NG in frequent contact with OW. Your zonk is much appreciated. I am guilty of most things you suspected me of This week is another hectic one for me, need to find time and energy to regroup and rethink where this is all heading. Slowly
Also have had some time to reflect on what THAT conversation was all about.
This week is another hectic one for me, need to find time and energy to regroup and rethink where this is all heading. Slowly