Thank you dawn. Im not at that beautiful state of indifference yet. But some days are better then others for me.
I think i am scared at how easily i was discarded by someone. I mean, we were dating when we were both still in school. We shared history and hardships and that just meant nothing to him. I like to think that maybe it was the drugs and alcohol that allowed his brain to be capabale of leaving the way he did. He wouldnt pay me child support. He had been secretly depleting his account and building up cc debt for years. I had no idea.
The gaslighting damaged me a lot as well. I was never the type to be afraid to speak my mind in a relationship. I always stood up for what i though was right. I am not a personality that was going to do all the housework, work, and take care of son quietly, while ex slept till noon on weekdays and 3 on weekends. Ex's spending habits were concerning to me as well. I voiced and comunicated and expressed and complained and nothing changed things. And then after he left, i started thinking that was my issue. That i was abusive. That I deserved to be left.
Coming on these forums 3 years ago, did not empower me.
. Its not because of the posters. I remember Vanilla speaking out and telling me that my ex needed to hear my truth dart. Texashubby told me i was way to smart and deserved more then my husband. Mauricio told me my husband was not a man.
But there was (back in 2015 and still i think in the MLC section) this weird underlying sense of stepford wife syndrome that gave me doubt. I grabbed on to the, "i had caused 50 percent of the problems in our marriage and i needed to make 180s " that i didnt know how to just accept him. That "i didnt eat sh!t sandwiches" or "choosing being right over being happy" that i needed to do 180s and not complain about his not being involved, about his bad behavior. I argued it and debated it. I even once posted "im not an innanimate object. Why the hell do i want to choose to be a light house" but that sentiment still seeped in my brain for some reason.
But none of that is true. When your ex was lying by ommission and leading a double life for probably most of your marriage..there is no 50/50 division of responsibility. I was never given the chance to be in a real relationship. To know myself. Of course im not perfect, but there was nothing about me that warranted ex leaving.
But i am traumatized not just by my ex but by what i turned in to in order to reconcile. If that makes any sense.
This mentality kind of messed me up with dating too. I had to proove i was this nice, cool chick. Cause the real me was left cause I was out of line or too demanding of time and attention.
But i am not that person. I was never raised that way. So now i am left, figuring out who i really am. I dont really want to compromise myself to be in a relationship. I think i am starting to feel like, if theres nothing in it for me and i dont have kids with someone why should i ever compromise myself? I am tired of being nice and worried about other peoples feelings. Of feeling like i should have been better in my last relationship, and trying to be like that now.
