It sounds like he's suffering from clinical depression (the clothes, the mess). Does he have any history of depression or addiction in the past, or in his family?
Do you think if you presented it carefully (as in, "I know you're leaving, but I've also noticed all these signs of clinical depression, and I'm concerned for you. Can I make an appointment for you with your family doctor?").
You need to be careful not to sound like you're trying to keep him there.
Meanwhile - what are you doing to change things up for you? Do you feel safe enough to leave your kids with him for the evening while you go out with girlfriends? Dress up nice and go out. Let him sit at home wondering what you're doing for a change. Get a new hairdo, buy some pretty lingerie, do something surprising. Take up a new hobby. Stretch your wings.
Right now, in his depressed state, he's like a wolf with its leg in a trap - he'll gnaw off his leg to get out. He doesn't realize you're not the source of his pain. Start living your most interesting life, shake it up a bit and he may start wondering if he should stick around and join you in that new life.
Kate11, be glad that he is still maintaining the mask at work. My H is the same as far as teenager not helping. He is the worst roommate anyone could ever have. He hasn't done a dish or taken out the trash or cleaned or tidied, let alone fixed even the most dire repair issues around our house/business, since BD. And he often complains about the house being untidy when I can't do it. But my H can't function at work. He barely works and gives me no money for kids or house and until I said started to say NO after he filed, took money. He continues to help himself to groceries and car, etc.
If you were a person of faith, I would just advise you to pray for him everyday and to pray over what you observe -- e.g., Lord, lift the spirit of despair and depression from my H's heart. Help him to feel comforted.
Or how about going all the way -- Lord, let my husband sink deeper and deeper accordingly to your plan for his life! I know he has to reach rock bottom to begin to wake up again, and I am ready to bear that for him and for the sake of our family.
If you aren't a praying person, maybe there is a way to give him to the universe in a similar fashion each day.
Recently I found something I had written just after bomb drop, listing each expectation I had had for marriage and for my H and giving it up. I was supposed to mail it to myself a year later. The things on that list are so far from anything I would ever expect now, it was both sobering and inspiring to see how far I have come. I recommend it. On your list can be, "I expected my H to help around the house and to not sink into depression."
I agree with another post that you should live your life but I would cut out all parts of the advice that include what effect it might have on him or anything that implies that you want him to notice. That won't work, in my experience, and it also will keep you in a state of watching him. Instead, just focus on how to be a light to your family and what you want to do with your life whether or not he is there so that you can try to have some joy in between what you have to bear. You just started this path, your H is not going to change anytime soon.
But I have faith that if you can wait it out in love, there is hope no matter how dead the M looks.
Last edited by Gerda; 01/20/1906:27 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda- I am so sorry that your husband has been unable to help in any way. It is a good reminder to me that no matter how I am struggling their are other people struggling much harder. My best wishes to you.
kml- I have wondered about the clinical depression too. I have not yet been able to think of a way to bring it up that won't send him running in the other direction just because I was the one that brought it up. I I will keep thinking about it.
I like to think I live a pretty full and intentional life. I am a definite introvert so spending huge amounts of time out doing social things is not that fun for me. My week days look something life this:
5:00AM- Wake up/exercise (walk of workout DVD) Get ready for the day
6:00AM- Breakfast with kids
6:30AM- 4:30PM- Commute and work
4:30Pm- 7:30PM- Pick up kids/Kid activities/Family time/Dinner/Kids bedtime
7:30PM- 8:00PM- housework
8:00- 8:30- Shower
8:30- 9:30PM- read
On the weekend I don't get up until 6:00AM and it is a mixture of chores, errands, family time, weekly meal prep and kid activities. I have a photography hobby and will often pull out my camera on the weekends to take some pictures. During the week I meet a group of co-workers/friends for a 30 minute coffee break daily. I read most days as reading is my favorite hobby. Occasionally, I will meet up with some friends on the weekend but not that often. I attend a monthly bookclub.
It is safe to leave the kids with my husband. During the week he generally isn't home until they are already in bed. In December I attended several holiday events in the evenings. I had fun but my husband couldn't care less about what I was up to.
I do my best to fit some exercise, reading and family time into every day. Also, I do socialize at work each day during my daily coffee catch up. I haven't added anything that is new since BD but I feel like I have designed a pretty good life for my own personal preferences.
I have also been trying to limit my spending and not engage in retail therapy. If my husband does leave there will be a drastic cut in income (even with child support). I am trying to be proactive in cutting spending now with the understanding that there may be a major financial change coming.
The spending thing is hard and something I struggle with. Where I am the court considers our standard of living. If I sock a lot away, I aid the argument that I need less support. If I don't, then I don't have a fallback and can be painted as a spender. Think about ways of stockpiling that might be less obvious. We've discussed this somewhere before, but gift cards that don't expire and that you won't lose, some cash, extra food or clothing you might not have to buy later. That sort of thing. Spending money (get out an extra $60 every time you buy groceries or whatever, so it isn't obvious taking money out of an ATM) but also having things you can fall back on later.
I agree w/OneArt's suggestion. I would start purchasing gift card every time you grocery shop. Less obvious that way. If you squirrel away cash, put it in a safe place, a place that he won't find it, if he should happen to come around snooping, i.e., the same would apply to the gift cards. You have to protect yourself financially, but he will certainly not care if you have money, food, clothing or a roof over your head. It's all about him and what he wants.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So Friday is February 1st, which is when my husband said he was moving out. However, he has made no further mention of it and, so far, he hasn't packed anything or made any kind of monetary deposit on a place (as far as I can tell). I did ask him last week if we needed to talk to the kids about his moving out and he replied "no" and then promptly left the room.
I am not sure if I should press him? That seems like pressure which I have been trying not to apply at all. I also have never initiated a relationship talk of any kind since BD and am hesitant to do so. Should I just let it go?
Even though the situation is so difficult for me I do know that having their father present (even the way he is) gives my kids a sense of love and stability.
Unless you want him to move out, I would just leave it. Keep doing your 180s and GAL and give him space and time. Don’t initiate any R talks as that just equals pressure. Sounds like you are doing well with that so far. I know it is tough but try to keep it up. (((HUGS)))
