Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Hey lost, that's good to hear you are staying active. I've gone to Vegas a few times but was never any good at any of the tables. I remember one of my first times, one of the guys was asking me a question at the table. He said something like how would you like that split, and I just said "sure" not having any idea what he meant... I never did like losing money so I don't play much. If I go back, it would be for the Grand Canyon. I'm thinking about road trips now and making a bucket list... never did want to do one before, but I have this new breath of life in me.

I haven't been doing much different. This last weekend I turned 44 and my son turned 11. Was cool watching the eclipse on my bday. I also just had the D talk to my two boys with my W. We let them both know and my S6 said "Aww, so wait.. so does that mean I will change schools?" W told him that they were moving out to her new house with a better school and he was sad because he said he liked his school. I had already heard that children his age can be a bit egocentric and he won't get it until he notices I am no longer living with them. My older one took it okay. I am watching for signs of any changes and making sure we keep an open dialogue. There was no blame, no hatred or resentment. We were there for the kids. Made sure to tell them we loved them and it wasn't their fault. It was our responsibility for this. We didn't pretend everything was going to be okay. We asked if they had any questions. I'm allowing time for my older one to process this. I am not hovering over him.

I also let W know I found some apartments in between work and her place. I also told her when we were rehearsing our talk to the kids (because she was concerned I would blame her and discuss the nitty gritty) that I was not going to do that, I need for my kids to respect their mother and love her. I didn't want them to take sides. I told her how important that was to me however I also wanted her to be happy and I deserved to be happy and this meant trusting someone who wouldn't lie to me on a small thing, because I know if that happens there is no trusting the person would be honest on something serious. I basically said I was done and I couldn't be her friend for what she's done. She asked about how this would affect our co-parenting and I told her we can still effectively co-parent. I think it turned out okay with the boys. Was very tough though. We still talked relating to taking care of the kids so I know we can be amicable. It's been 5 months since BD. I don't yearn or pine for better days.

In another month or two I will be in the new apartment. I am still looking for an attorney for my first consult. I have been stalling there because they don't offer much on the first call about availability. The one email I got was generic and didn't answer my two questions I had during the call. I know it's important to protect myself legally, and it will happen. I think it will happen after I move into my place though. I also think the second wave of emotions will hit me again and during this solo time, I will get a better glimpse of who I am.

I also haven't gone to any IC. My therapy has been typing all my posts here and then deleting them. Walls and walls of text and feelings poured out for no one but me. I've also been watching videos by other people. What I gravitate towards is not having a need or attachment on others. Still here, reading and learning. Still working out, being with the kids and even enjoying myself playing games(substituted the jigsaw puzzles for more pc time). I got it set up with my oldest one for when we're separated we can at least enjoy some gaming time together.

When we physically separate, I will use that newfound energy and turn it into something positive, like really getting back into shape, kicking it into overdrive. I won't be able to do the 50/50 custody split and that sort of bothers me with limited time with the kids. I feel like it's better with them in one home while young rather than switching them from place to place constantly. Who knows... I say W and I can't be friends but for the kids, maybe somewhere down the road we can spend time together for them, meaning she might invite me over on a weekday for dinner or something. I don't know how that will play out but I'm sure we will make the best of it.