Do you remember when I said how your knitting goal reminded me of a scarf I knitted for W? Well when putting groceries away downstairs I ran across that scarf. It was sticking out of a box of mitts, gloves, hats, and scarves. I suppose I should add it to the ever growing pile of stuff that I will probably send to her someday.
Good for you going to see a L. Good idea to be proactive and get some answers for possible scenarios.
I’m glad about your GAL activities. And I think the non-earth-shattering ones are best. It is fun and good to have some big exciting activities, it is the lower key, everyday stuff that makes up life. The whole Get A Life idea is just that, and you dear girl are doing great at it.
So how far have you run? The whole 5k? I predict you will break the 28 minutes barrier sooner than you think. You’ll need to look at 26 minutes.
Have a wonderful day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for the kind words and support, DnJ. I agree 100% that the lower key, everyday stuff is what makes up a life. I've been focusing on all those small things that happen throughout the day that make me smile, and to me that makes it a GOOD life. I wish that for H too, but he will have to figure that out.
I'm curious whether seeing the scarf triggered any intense emotions?
As for the 5k, my first run was today, on the treadmill. I went the entire 5K today. I walked about 3-4 minutes while getting drinks of water (gym was hot!). I just need to work on my pace, and will start outdoors this week. It feels good to have a goal, and I'm supporting a good friend whom I just recently reconnected with.
The seeing of the scarf only elicited a smile, memories of happy times and many years ago. I paused for 10-15 seconds then continued stacking the soup cans.
I used to be triggered extremely badly. After BD was so horrible. Everything in this house, my life and my kids lives - everything has a touch of W upon it. Time settles all.
Me and my kids, we cried, we suffered, we made new habits, we grew, we live, we flourish.
Even intense feelings are fleeting once one quits reenforcing them.
What did surface while arranging those soup cans. The belief I still hold, deeply, of who she was for all those years. A hope that she may be able to return. And that I still do love her, unconditionally.
That has allowed me to let go. She is gone, of that there is no doubt. I choose to live fully, and remain a bit in limbo.
It is a nice scarf. Fish net, white, blue, and pink - made from very soft yarn. <smile>
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H just sent an e-mail saying he rented another place for 3 more months. He said he "got lucky and found a nice place, but the downside is it's a 3 month minimum." I knew he probably would have to get a 3 month, but to see it finalized made my heart hurt. I immediately wanted to message back asking if what he really wants is a divorce. And does he think the "downside" of 3 months is a downside for me or him? What’s the point of going on like this if he’s doing NOTHING to change himself or the situation. What keeps him in limbo? Why can't he start figuring out what he wants? Why keep going short term? I guess that leaves him with all the options. To stay away, or come back. So many questions I have.
It just kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t write anything back, yet. I want to though….also would like to know the address. Shouldn’t I at least know where he is living? For emergencies? I think back to when I couldn’t get a hold of him on the phone when his mom died. Seems reasonable he should at least let me know where he is moving to.
I know how you feel Grace. My H emailed me last week asking if I could expedite our separation agreement as there is a property he wants to be able to put an offer on. One more step towards the D that I don’t want.
I think you are smart not to email him back right away. You may even want to consider not emailing back at all or just email “Thanks for the info. Send me the address when you have a chance” and leave it at that. Don’t ask about a divorce unless you want one. Patience, patience, patience.
Honestly, your H sounds like he really is messed up and is going through a genuine MLC. He needs to work through it. Just keep giving him the space and time to do it. I firmly believe he will reach out at some point. You may or may not care by then. Keep the focus on you. I think you’ve been doing really, really well.
I wouldn’t worry about the “downside” comment. My first thought is that he likely said it because he thought you would be upset. What a great opportunity for you to show him the opposite and make him think about what he could be losing.
best to continue taking care of yourself.. creating new activities and friends ect. grieving as needed
They stay in limbo because they are not happy- They think another person, house, car-- ect will make them happy what they lack to see is happiness is inside and it is not our partner that makes us feel alive but only ourselves-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think you are smart not to email him back right away. You may even want to consider not emailing back at all or just email “Thanks for the info. Send me the address when you have a chance” and leave it at that. Don’t ask about a divorce unless you want one. Patience, patience, patience.
Sage advice. I think this is exactly what I will do. Acknowledges his email and decision, and allows me to easily ask for what I need. You are right, of course, about not mentioning the divorce. That would sound like I want to force a decision right now. And I don't.
I'm reading the bible every day, chronologically, with a group. Someone posted a verse today that I read right after the e-mail as I was thinking about how to respond. So timely! God is always at work.
Job 13:5 If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom. (NIV) If only you could be silent! That's the wisest thing you could do. (NLT)
So, think before we respond. And sometimes no response at the best solution of all.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I wouldn’t worry about the “downside” comment. My first thought is that he likely said it because he thought you would be upset. What a great opportunity for you to show him the opposite and make him think about what he could be losing.
Once again, another's perspective makes me see another side I didn't consider. Taking the high road and not commenting on his decision allows him to make them and then live with whatever consequences that may follow. In his case, potentially further loneliness and depression. Of course he could find himself happy there, too, but that's his journey. Which brings me to Peace's comment:
Originally Posted by peacetoday
They stay in limbo because they are not happy- They think another person, house, car-- ect will make them happy what they lack to see is happiness is inside and it is not our partner that makes us feel alive but only ourselves-
I see this so clearly in H. "stay in limbo because they are not happy".... It must be exhausting to dwell on all the options all the time.
Will he find the next honey to build him up and tell him how wonderful he is? Will this new "soul mate" be the one to finally bring him true happiness and that "intense emotional bond" he states he doesn't get with me.
I have no reason to believe this has/is/will happen. I think he is potentially too depressed. But again, if he did, the feelings would probably be fleeting. One can't escape themselves, can they? He probably would discover that too late for us, though.
They stay in limbo because they are not happy- They think another person, house, car-- ect will make them happy what they lack to see is happiness is inside and it is not our partner that makes us feel alive but only ourselves-
While in many ways I agree with this there is another side. The limbo that we as LBS are in.
It took me a long time to both understand and accept that it was a limbo that I chose. Perhaps in some ways I'm still in it even though the divorce was finalized a year ago. But remember Grace - the power in this lies with you. You can allow their limbo and lack of decision making to keep you right where they left you looking to them for movement. Watching them to lift them up if they fall. Or you can move forward leaving them to find their own paths beyond our gaze.
It is your choice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew - I'm very aware that limbo is a two way street. But, I am truly embracing my own life for myself, and feel I'm in a very good place only 3 1/2 month out. But, I will heed your advice to not let the limbo linger for longer that is best for ME. Right now I'm continuing to just find my way. Thanks for the input.
Your h may very well not provide you w/the address. Why? In his MLC mind, he may think you will be spying on him. Many of them do not share their addresses w/their spouses.
Also, the three month rental is maybe his way of saying it's not a permanent move to that place. They do tend to move around quite a bit because, to them, everything stays the same and they are constantly looking for something to make them feel better.
You have been given sage advice. If you opt to respond later, just say thanks for letting me know. The less you ask him about his living the arrangements, the more he may open up w/his loose lips.
I think you have been doing great.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
