Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Twofeet]

Hey LH,

I bought an app to do guided meditation a few times a week.

I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

Still night skiing 1 to 2 times a week.

Wanted to do yoga and XW left me a yoga mat when she moved out in the beginning of Nov. Shuffled my feet on it till 2 weeks ago when D8 told me that mommy keeps a yoga mat in her car, does yoga, and said that our daughters can occasionally go do it with her. Well I thought if XW is doing yoga why aren't I. So I went and signed up for Hot Yoga and I do that 2 times a week. While my motivation to do it was not the best it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It is a bit hard, very hot and uncomfortable, but I feel great afterwards. The boost in mental, emotional, and physical wellness from hot yoga is amazing. PMA for sure. Oh and the majority of women participating in these classes are great eye candy. There is also a lot of socializing pre and post class, so lots of opportunities to talk to women. Also the dudes who do hot yoga are all pretty cool.

Still need to work on my social GAL. This is kind of the next step in growth for me.

Built a website, blog, and Instagram account (I still dislike SM) for my side gig. I already had 2 clients, but I want to try to grow it to 5 this year if possible. I met with a prospective client last weekend, but he is probably a year out from needing to hire me.

A married woman from my industry who I associate with through industry functions (I mentioned her here before) has decided she wants to be my match maker. She told me she has a friend and thinks we would make a great couple. Caveat was this lady was still M and going through a D. I want no part of that because I find it morally wrong, as well as wrong for more reasons than I need to list. When matchmaker friend told me the dirty details of this woman's D I instinctively rolled my eyes. She was kind of dumbstruck so I said I am not ready to date as I have some personal growth and healing to do from my D. She said to let her know when I am ready because she said she knows plenty of women who would like to date a guy like me. It was very flattering and good to know I have a "in."

On my days with the kids I try to find games and activities to do with them or at least focus on doing things together or in the same room. I keep a strong focus on school work for D8 and make sure she keeps up on her reading. I also read to D5 and S3 or have D8 read to them. Once spring is here GAL with kids will open up more. I also have been working on giving the kids small and easy chores/duties (clear your plates after dinner, help me fold towels, clean your rooms, etc) and I work on there manners and picking up after themselves. At my house I am trying to teach them independence at a young age. Not sure how this will work in the long run as XW does everything for them at her place.

Still going to church every Sunday, usually meeting XMIL there. This past Sunday she expressed concern for the kids and XW ability to parent properly. She wanted to make sure XW and I were communicating and I told her we do but it can be difficult (usually it is one way communication about kids, me to XW but didn't tell XMIL this). XMIL is concerned XW is spoiling kids in an attempt to basically not deal with them. XW is doing this, but it's not a discussion I am going to have with XMIL.

S3 keeps wanting to know when mommy is going to live with me again. D5 has been hitting a lot lately and she also occasionally comes running into my bedroom at night crying about XW and I and our divorce. D8 seems to be doing ok, but she has her moments. I still have frequent dreams of XW. I miss her and I miss her love, comfort, and companionship. It's sad, but nothing I can do except move forward.

Dealing with XW can be a PITA. I just got the kids yesterday from XW. We bath the kids M, W, F, then Sat or Sun. Well the kids hadn't been bathed since I did it on W. S3 was in the same clothes I put him in on Friday, our handoff day, thank heaven the girls can change themselves. His pull up was soaked in pee cause XW said she forgot to change him. She isn't attempting to potty train him, and I am the only one doing it and S3 has gone backwards since D. XW had complained about school costs (despite making a lot more than me) and still owes a partial payment of her portion of Dec expenses. She could have payed it if she didn't just drop $400 to $500 in tablets and cases for all 3 kids. Well in MR D8 had a tablet that all 3 shared, it's still ar my house. It has a child monitoring app that has limited times they can use it and restricts what they can view. I told XW it's a paid for app and she can put it her tablets. She didn't want it as so when the kids are at her house all they do is sit in front of there tablets all day. Likely so she doesn't have to deal with them. So frustrating. At least she is feeding them full meals now.

Not going into too much detail on here about the difficulty of trying to get taxes, insurance for kids, or other financial pieces with XW buttoned up. She asks for reminders, I give them and she does nothing. I told her yesterday at the handoff that the longer she waits the more money it costs. She is trying hard to portray a awesome happy life and when I am not as detached it makes me feel like garbage. However, with the finances convo we had yesterday I see chunks in her armor.